Maybe One Day

7: Broken

The first thing I notice when I walk into Christian's hospital room is Christian. His face is purple and green and red to the point of nonrecognition. He has a cast on his leg, which is suspended in a sling, and he has a sling around his shoulder. My heart starts to ache for him. He was so handsome. Not sexy like Matt but good-looking in a classy way. All the girls glared at me when we went somewhere together, which was good and bad. It made me cling to him more, for fear he would pick one of the prettier girls over me. But seeing my previous boyfriend lying on a hospital bed with balloons all around him and face puffy makes me want to hold him in my arms.

I push these feelings aside and drop my hand, which was still covering my mouth. "Christian," Mrs. Avano starts. "Olivia is here to see you," he looks at me and she says, "I'll give you two a minute," and leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

I cautiously walk toward his bed and sit in the chair next to it. "Hey," I say.

"Hey," he chokes and tries to smile.

I feel tears spring into my eyes at the sound of his broken voice. "Do you remember me?"

"Of course, Liv," he smiles and grabs my hand. "How could I forget you?"

I don't know why this moment is so emotional for me. Maybe because, deep down, I know this is my fault. Matt beat Christian up for me. If I had never broken up with him, this would have never happened. "Christian, I'm so sorry," I tell him and a tear falls onto our interlocking hands. "I'm so sorry,"

"For what? You didn't do this to me. And anyway, I'm fine," he grins.

"What don't you remember?" I blurt. "Okay, bad question. What's the last thing you remember?"

"Going to a bar with some of my golf friends. And then I was here." he gestures to his bed.

I pause. "Do you know what happened?"

"No. No one has told me. Do you know?"

I take a deep breath. "I was there."

"What? Why? Where?" I think he looks confused, but I can't be sure because his facial expressions aren't clear - too many bruises.

"At Olive Garden. In the parking lot. Do you want to hear this?"

"How bad is it?"

I let out a short but loud sob. "I'm sorry, Christian, I'm so sorry," Why am I such a mess?? I pull myself together and say, "You were drunk. You - came onto me. Matt felt - protective, I guess and -" I choke. "He lost it. He hurt you, he hurt you so badly, because of me and I'm so sorry I couldn't stop him, and when I see you so - broken, I can't help but think I did this to you! I did this Christian, it's my fault and I hope you never forgive me, I don't deserve it -"

I'm hysterical now, and rambling, and he's stroking my hand and saying, "Shh, it's not your fault. It's okay, I'm okay." For his sake I stop crying and listen to what he has to say. "First of all, who's Matt?"

"My boyfriend," I almost whisper, ashamed and I don't know why.

He is quiet. "Okay, so you're boyfriend put me in the hospital because I was flirting with you?" he questions, still clearly confused.

"Yes. Well, you were kind of flirting, with your hands..." I trail off. He doesn't need to hear this right now.

"Olivia, I am so sorry. I can't believe I did that to you! Believe me, I was drunk, I would have never done that otherwise, not to you, of all people, not to the girl I love, I would never..." he explains to me, staring not at me but at the wall straight ahead.

"To the girl you love?" I don't know what to do. Christian can't love me. I broke up with him. I'm with Matt. I can't leave Matt for Christian, I love Matt. Right? And I certainly don't still love Christian. Right?

He turns and looks me straight in the eye. "I've missed you so much these past few weeks. It's been so lonely here and all I could think about was how horrible I have been to you. I never appreciated you the way I should have. You are so beautiful and supportive of me and we're so good together. I keep remembering all the amazing times we had together and all the memories we've made. Remember the time we went to my aunt's house and snuck out in the middle of the night just so you could get your jacket you had left at the pool earlier that day? And I lifted you over the fence so you could get in and grab it? And then it got stuck on the way back over and we ripped it trying to get it off the fence. And when we got home my aunt and my mom were on the phone with the police filing a missing person's report. Remember?" He is smiling and he looks longingly at me.

Tears are streaming down my face but I laugh a little and say, "Yea, I remember," I grip his hand tighter and we begin telling stories of junior year when we were a couple. I told him the stories he didn't remember and I'm now coming to the conclusion that I never realized how great a year it really was.

After I told the story of our breakup (which he remembered most of but wanted me to retell it just so he knew the full story), he looked at me and said, "If I could take back everything I said to you, I would. I was stressed out about Stanford and leaving you next year and I lost my head and that's not like me. Will you please forgive me?" he looks pleadingly into my eyes.

I reach over and gently stroke his discolored cheek with my thumb. He was in so much pain, it hurt me to see him this way. Because of me. "Of course I do," I answer, still staring at his lump of a cheek. How could I let this happen? He shouldn't be in this terrible condition. How could I still be with someone who can do this to people?

Anger flashed through me again when I thought of Matt. I said we were okay. That spectacular night on the beach when he held me and kissed me, like everything was okay, because I said it was. But it wasn't.

Just then, a nurse came in and said Christian needed to rest. He kissed my hand that was still intertwined with his, and I leaned over to kiss his forehead. Not in a flirty way, but in a comforting way. His mom was right; he needed a friend and I was determined to be that friend.

"I'll come back next week, all right?" I promised.

"Okay," he responded. And then, before I left, "And Liv? Thank you. For being here, and understanding. You're a truly amazing person,"

I smiled and left before I could start crying again.

<><><><>

That night, I lie in bed thinking about things. Matt and Christian, for the most part.

Matt is...amazing and wonderful and so good to me, and we get along really well. We just kinda click, in a way I never did with Christian. And I can never stop looking at him, at his dimples and dorky smile and dazzling blue eyes. But apparently, under all that perfection, he has a nasty side, a side I don't care to see again.

Christian and I know so much about each other and are the perfect couple. He was horrible to me the day we broke up, but was so apologetic after the fact. He's fun and intelligent and all I could ask for in a boyfriend. And he told me he loved me earlier today. How can I ignore that?

I pick up my phone and, not noticing the time, call Matt.

"Hello?" he says sleepily, just waking up.

"Hey," I say quietly. "Is this a bad time?"

"You realize it's four in the morning, right? Usually that's a bad time for me. I try to use that time for sleeping." he sounds slightly annoyed.

"I know, I'm sorry, I just had to talk to you," I have no idea where I'm going with this.

"Yea, sure. Do you want me to come over?" he sounds genuinely concerned.

"No, no, my parents would flip. I just - needed reassurance, I guess,"

"About what?"

Why am I so stupid? What is the point of this call? "I don't know," I stammer. "Forget it, I'm sorry I woke you,"

"Are you sure? I'm here for you, you know,"

"I know. Goodnight Matt," I say, now eager to get off the phone.

"Um, goodnight Liv," he says and I go to press the END button, and right before I do I could have sworn I heard him say "I love you, Olivia Hanson."