Ignorance // Sequel to Oblivious

10

March 29, 1979

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Remus Lupin sighed into the lonely atmosphere of the common room. His breath formed a white cloud as he exhaled into the cold air. Papers lay askew on the table out in front of him. Some from various classes, and others, paperwork and pamphlets for flats listed throughout the country. It was common for kids his age to be looking for places to stay, after all no one wants to stay with their parents forever, but in Remus' case the situation was rather taxing. Of course he wanted to move out eventually, but he hadn't expected the choice to be made for him so soon.

The search for an apartment was a futile attempt to cover the pain he was in. He knew that there was no way for him to get a job that could pay for rent with his lycanthropy. Even thinking about the subject sent shivers through the boy's core. His aches after moons were growing more painful, the agonizing weight bearing down on him that each day may be his last. The essays he was once so fond of lay unwritten, motivation draining out of him, its value comparable to the moonlight he so despised.

Why should he write them if he knew there was no point? Mcgonagall had already talked about him about the future,as was mandatory per every student at Hogwarts. The discussion was simple and didn't last long; it wasn't as if the poor woman could lie to him. He knew what was to come of his fate. She just stared at him with that look of pity that he had grown used to, the one he hated. A growl erupted in his soul when he saw that gaze, but he forced it down, just like he always had.

And now, looking at the numerous assignments that had accumulated over time, Remus wondered how he got himself in this situation. Even Sirius had significantly less homework than he had. N.E.W.T.s were coming up soon and the overhanging cloud of despair was spreading ever larger. Everyone claimed it was the most important test of their lives, but Remus felt that life was a hard enough test on it's own.

The portrait swung open, shattering the bubble of disheartenment that Remus created around himself. He quickly scrambled to hide the clutter that he was attempting to organize. It just so happened to be Sirius that walked in, his face lit up when he saw Remus sitting in his chair.

" Rem! I've been looking for you!" He sat down beside him, and Remus reluctantly made room for his boyfriend to sit next to him. Sirius immediately noticed the lack of enthusiasm and he scoured for it's source. In a futile attempt to lighten the mood, Sirius joked, as he always did.

" You've got a lot of homework, huh? Looks like someone finally got a taste of his own medicine."

Remus cringed, trying to mask discomfort with smile.

" Indeed, so if you don't mind, I'd like to try to get some of it done before you hooligans distract me."

" Well, I could always help you."

Remus considered making a sarcastic remark regarding intelligence or work ethic, but he desperately needed help. He nodded and allowed Srius to look over the diverse spectrum of assignments that he had neglected.

Sirius recognized the pain in Remus' eyes. He saw the tired smiles and shattered soul, so he didn't make anymore jokes; and Remus was grateful for that.

Together they pushed through the mountain of neglected homework and both were immensely glad when it was over. Sirius pulled Remus into a hug and pressed a quick kiss to his forehead.

" If you ever need help with anything, don't be afraid to ask, okay?"

Remus nodded, feeling guilty that he probably wouldn't keep that promise.

" And that includes this," Sirius pulled out one of the flyers for a small flat in Wales that Remus had shoved under the couch cushion.

" Oh, you found that.." Remus sighed and wracked his brain for a possible explanation.

" Please don't lie to me Remus, I'm tired of the lies. From both of us."

" I'm sorry. You're right. I- I know I don't have much time left and I'm trying to find somewhere to stay, but I know it's a lost cause."

" I know you think that you're fading, but I don't think you are. I know you, Remus, you're a fighter. And as for the place to stay, I'll take care of you. We can get a flat together."

Tears started to pour from the mist. Remus buried his head in his boyfriend's chest.

" You keep saying that, but you don't know how this feels! It's not going to get better! I'm not going to bring you down with me Sirius! I just can't...."

" The day you bring me down, is the day that my mother tells me she loves me, it's never going to happen."

Remus let out a pitiful laugh and lifted his head to look into those cool blue-grey eyes. He placed a quick kiss on Sirius' lips and snuggled back into him. His grip was tight and both boys knew why, but were too stubborn to admit their fear of letting go.

~

The once warm and comforting feeling of the arms of another's embrace soon became hot and stuffy. Why was it that Sirius felt suffocated by this love that he thought he felt? Was it so impossible that someone could love him?

He pried the arms off of his body, slowly releasing himself from this prison. It was so terribly cliche, and Sirius hated it.

" Pourquoi moi?"

He laughed at himself. He decided that he would leave his sleeping companion to his own, knowing that he, himself would never get to sleep. Not when the dark clouds crowded his brain.

Mindlessly walking through the planes of existence, forming the trees and dirt that was around him. He wasn't thinking about where he was going, snapping out of his trance-like state when his old, worn out shoes stepped into a puddle. The water soaked through, making his foot chilled to the bone. He watched in silence.

"Mon coeur qui bat est Noir,

Je sens tout mais rien du tout." 

" Is that French? Oh that language is so romantic!" 

Sirius whipped his head around like a bullet, spying a young and beautiful girl staring up at him with bashful eyes. He smiled at her, although it was a sad smile, she didn't notice. He took her soft face in his hands.

"Ce n'est pas romantique du tout, c'est la langue la plus violente que je connaisse." 

She cooed in response, like a pail dove being controlled by the dismal wind.

" Oh! What does it mean?"

Sirius let go of her and turned away.

" It means that you are beautiful and you shouldn't waste yourself on such fools like me."

Then he walked away, not waiting for any response.