Mostly Him

12

I wish to feel something other than sadness.
So to stop feeling sadness, I choose to feel physical pain.
Raking my nails along my skin till I bleed.
Digging my nails into my scalp and body.
Leaving nothing behind but an empty feeling.
He pushes away your attempts to help him or do something for him.
He tells you to stay away.
All you want to do is cry, but you can't cry.
The tears won't come.
So to stop the ache of your heart, you make your body ache with memories of the torture you put yourself through.
All so you have a smile on your face for all to see.
Even him.
He doesn't care.
He doesn't know your pain.
Why would he care about you?
He treats like a pest some days.
Most he won't even speak to you.
What are you to do when your whole world is breaking?
In the end, you don't care what amount of pain you put yourself through.
It's all worth it if he isn't worrying about you.
Even if you're pretty sure he wouldn't worry anyways.
You just have to remind yourself that he doesn't care.
No matter how much you wish he would.
You're a speck in the story of his life, yet he's chapters of yours.
So I take physical pain because anything is better than the sadness.
The emotional hell.
The fact your heart is shredded.
You don't care as long as he's happy...