Someone In The Crowd [Paul Wesley]

102. Blog Post

Two Months...

It's been two months since my father died. Two months since I stopped posting on social media. Two months since I've felt like myself.

And I could put this down to grief, because of course, the most common feeling I've had is grief. Grief and intense sadness. But grief isn't the reason that I haven't posted a blog post or a tweet or an insta pic in two months.

The reason is because I'm scared.

I'm absolutely terrified that the second I start to go back to living my life, something is going to come out of the woodwork and knock me for six. The second I smile or laugh or begin to feel OK, something is going to take that feeling away from me.

But I've decided to stop being scared.

My dad would want me to live my life. He'd want me to smile and take pictures and plan my wedding and get married and live my best life. So I'm doing it. For him.

As I write, I'm finishing addressing the last of our wedding invitations, thinking about my future with the man that I love. And it sucks that my dad will never see me in that dress, he'll never walk me down the aisle. He'll never know his grandchildren. He'll never see who I become.

But I can't change that. Distancing myself from my life isn't going to bring him back. Crying and screaming and breaking everything in sight isn't going to bring him back. Wishing on a star isn't going to bring him back.

He'll always be with me, I know that. He'll always be my dad no matter what happens in my life.

So thanks for your messages and support, it means so much to me. I'm going to get on with my life as best I can. Dad will forever be in the back of my mind, and I think that's what he'd want. But I'm going to keep living, keep making, keep doing. I'm going to live my best life. Because he'd want me to.

I love you dad. Always.

Yours, Cece xx