The Book at the Top of the Closet

Chapter Five

"Are you sure you really want me there on your big date?" Veronica leans forward, a curtain of red hair swishing in front of her face.

"It's not a date. And yeah, I want you there," I say. She takes a bite out of her mozzarella stick, stretching the cheese into a dramatically long string. "What movies should we watch?" I ask. She mumbles noncommittally, waving half a stick of fried cheese. We end up settling on a watching the first couple of Harry Potter movies, and Veronica offers to bring some snacks over.

I kind of wonder if Aria knew any spells for making it easier to talk to boys. I had a good time with Liam the other night, but I didn't have time to overthink everything then like I do now. What if I can't think of anything to say? What if I already said everything I can think of to say to him while we were walking?

Veronica reassures me that if I completely forget how to speak, she'll help me out. After lunch, we spend a chunk of our afternoon looking through my closet. I blast 80s music and pretend to do a movie montage of trying on outfits, and Veronica helps me pick one out for our movie night.

"Liam's going to totally die," she says, fastening a necklace behind my head. The pendant lays strategically close to the tops of my boobs, and Veronica has convinced me to wear a shirt I would normally wear a tank top under. I have to remind myself that no one's going to tell me I have to change. It feels rebellious. Veronica laughs a little when I tell her this, digging through her purse and tossing me a tube of red lipstick.

"Oh, I normally-"

"Just try it."

It actually looks pretty good, and Veronica beams at me, proud that she's gotten me to primp and prep like tonight's really a date. Checking the time, I realize I'll have to go to class all dressed up. I head out before Veronica can think of something else to do to make me look sexy, hoping I'll actually be able to focus on class as much as I've been thinking about tonight.

#

Liam shows up early. I'm still cleaning up my room when he knocks on the door. Scrambling to toss a few things in the closet, I rush to open the door. My hair is in my face, and it feels like a piece of it is stuck to my lipstick. I swing the door open, and Liam is standing in the hallway, holding one of those party trays of snacks.

"Hope it's okay I brought snacks," he says. I make a motion that resembles both a nod and a jumping jack. He doesn't seem to mind that I'm being weird, but I still hope Veronica shows up soon. I don't really know how to be alone with a boy. Should I try to kiss him? What am I supposed to do while we wait?

Luckily for me, before I can do anything terribly strange, there's another knock at the door. Veronica sweeps in, barely managing to balance the armload of chips and two-liter soda bottles. We start the movie, and I end up sitting close to Liam on the couch. The space between us feels charged, and I imagine that I can feel the heat coming off of his body.

I want to scoot closer, but I already can't concentrate. I can't help but think that Aria would be so much smoother in this situation. Liam leans back against the couch, and when he shifts a little toward me, our legs brush. The movie completely disappears. My heart thunders, and I have to remind myself to breathe.

How fast is normal breathing?

Do I normally breathe like this?

Oh god, can he hear me breathing?

I wish I could be suave and lean into him, toss out a confident flirty line and let him wonder how serious I am. Instead, I lean in slightly and end up at an odd angle, my muscles burning a little as I wonder whether it's more noticeable to stay in an awkward position or lean back away.

Aria would definitely be better at this. I bet she would've kissed him by now, or gotten him to fall madly in love with her. I wish I had that kind of confidence.

#​

Dear Diary,

There's something terrifying and magical about a first kiss. Tonight I had a kiss that sort of blew up my world, and I don't know if that's good or bad yet.

I went over to hang out with Hayden, and I guess I should've realized no one else would be there, but I didn't really think about it. We were watching a movie and eating wings, and I could tell there was a tension there that wouldn't be if we were just friends. I tried to think about Everest, and on some level he stayed in the back of my mind the whole time. The problem was that Hayden was at the front of my mind, leaning close until the space between us was less than a breath.

I had a mouthful of food and buffalo sauce on my lips when I realized he was leaning closer. I stopped chewing, eyes widening in panic and anticipation. Our lips touched for just a second. He kissed me like he's asking for permission, but I kind of wish he had asked me in words.

In the space of that momentary kiss, I had three distinct thoughts: First, there was sauce on my face. I'd imagined kissing Hayden, but not with food on my face. Second, his lips are so soft, the kiss so tentative, I wanted to kiss him all night. And third, I had just kissed someone who wasn't Everest.

Do we have to break up now? Kissing counts as cheating in my book, and even if I didn't initiate it, I kissed him back. I didn't stop there, either. I kissed him again and again after that first kiss. I felt like I couldn't get close enough to him, until my back was pressed against the cushions of the couch and his weight pushed against me. We moved in sync and my body reacted to his instinctively though my mind froze over. I wanted him, and I wanted time to stop.

Sometimes I think any moment could be perfect if nothing had to come after it. If I could have laid there, kissing him forever, without worrying about what would come next, it would've been perfect. For a few seconds, it was perfect. But I kept remembering Everest, seeing clearly in my mind the hurt in his face that would be there as soon as I told him what I'd done.

I haven't told him yet, but we're supposed to talk on the phone tonight. I wish I could pretend that nothing has changed, but I know myself. I would feel dishonest after a while and end up telling him anyway. It seems better just to get it over with and skip straight to the part where we break up and I cry. I already feel terrible, at least once he knows what I've done, I can breathe.

-Aria