The Book at the Top of the Closet

Chapter Four

My heart twinges reading the entry in Aria's journal. It must've been hard on her, having her feelings so divided. Her feelings for Everest are so intense on the page, but nothing she writes has the kind of longing that she expresses for Lena. I almost want to read ahead, find out whether Aria ever told Lena how she felt. A little flicker of memory tugs at me, pulling me away from Aria's old crushes and into thoughts of my own.

Wren was one of those girls who treated high school like a career. She lettered in varsity track, was an officer in student council, and seemed to pop up in every extracurricular activity I managed to work up the nerve to join, and she always held the roles I wanted most. Beautiful and collected, she almost made it look effortless.

Junior year, I had this intense dream that she pressed me up against a wall and kissed me. Suddenly, our competitive dynamic had changed. I couldn't look her in the eye without blushing, and when she passed me in the hallway, my heart sped out of control like a spinning top.

Nothing ever came of it, and I didn't feel nearly as strongly about her as Aria felt about Lena, but I can't help relating to that feeling of maddening attraction. I've heard my whole life that boys should date girls and vice versa- I've never considered it a possibility that I could ever fall in love with a woman. I certainly didn't love Wren. But my attraction to her felt so natural, I couldn't help but wonder if the things I'd always assumed were wrong. I haven't thought much about her since graduation, or about girls, at least in that way.

I don't really think there's anything wrong with how I felt about Wren- little crushes aren't serious, and I bet a lot of girls get them. And now that I'm reading about Lena and how Aria felt about her, I can't bring myself to think that that's wrong either. At the very least, it isn't wrong for Aria.

I'm not sure, though, if I think it would be right for me if I let myself feel that way. I have the same fears Aria did, the same worries that if I let myself have feelings for a girl, that way lies danger and complications. I just want to get through my first semester of college, I don't have time to figure out a whole new facet of my personality.

Aria might've had time though- and I bet she wrote more about how she felt about girls. It's a little spooky, how much common ground we have. So maybe I can learn more about myself if I learn more about Aria, and I can learn it without risking my heart. Aria seems like the type to take chances that would send me running scared. I can't help but wonder what chances she did take, and how many I will get to read about.

#

By the time I convince myself to put the diary away and work on homework, Nina is back from her evening class. She says a quick hello as she walks straight from the door into her room. The door clicks shut behind her, cutting off my greeting. A minute or two later, showtunes play loudly from her room. I look up, startled, then keep working. I realize after a moment that I've read the same sentence four times. Assuming my American Lit homework isn't about The Phantom of the Opera, I'm not going to finish it with the music playing this loud. I grab all my books and my backpack off of the couch and retreat to my room, hoping the extra wall between me and the noise will help me focus.

The music is still annoying from inside my room, but it's no longer so loud that I can't hear myself think. I get another three pages into the reading before my phone buzzes, distracting me again. There's a text from Veronica, inviting me to come with her to the cafeteria for dinner. Glancing at the time, I groan. The dinner rush will be in full swing, and the odds of any peace and quiet are slim. Still, if I go with Veronica instead of alone, maybe no one will bother me.

I shoot off a text to say I'll meet her in front of my building in a few minutes. Shoving my books to the side, I throw on a jacket and dig through my boxes looking for my makeup bag. I'm a little queasy about going somewhere crowded, and I want the layer of armor my makeup provides. I learned a while back that when I need to collect my thoughts or calm myself, putting on lipstick and mascara lets me stall just enough. I swipe on some coral lipstick, smiling at my reflection in the mirror. I look more confident than I feel- my disguise is perfect.