The Book at the Top of the Closet

Chapter Twenty-Nine

When I finally turn my phone on, the barrage of texts from Veronica send a pang of guilt through my stomach. I wish I hadn't lashed out at her like that, and I don't know what would be worse: admitting that I was stupid to blame her, or sticking to my anger so I don't have to explain myself. Maybe it would be easier to just push her away and pretend this is all her fault.

But it isn't her fault. And right now, I need my best friend. I scroll past her frantic texts and type out a simple message: Can you come over? I'm still staring at the phone waiting for a reply when I hear her knocking on my door.

I tell myself to act normal, but the minute I see her worried face, I collapse. Her arms wind around me, holding me up, anchoring me to her. A horrible sob wrenches up my throat and I pull away just enough to look her in the eye.

"I'm so sorry I was a bitch to you, it wasn't your fault, it wasn't..." I can't get enough air to keep talking, so I just let her fold me back into her arms.

"Piper, it's okay, everything's going to be okay. What happened? What wasn't my fault?" I look at her again, hunching my shoulders up in a shrug, trying to communicate that I can't talk right this second. She seems to understand, as she gently leads me over to the couch and grabs a bottle of water from her backpack, holding it out to me. I take a few sips and nervously pick at the label on the bottle, suddenly unsure how to explain what set off my anxiety so bad last night. Eventually, I work up the nerve to talk about it, starting with Aria's journal.

By the time I finish talking, Veronica is sitting next to me on the couch, holding my hand the way you might hold someone's hand at a hospital- gentle and comforting. I pause for a minute, processing my own feelings about everything I just told her.

"I don't think the guy meant any harm last night," I begin, "but he did cause harm. He invaded my personal space and it scared me and even though I know it probably wasn't malicious I don't ever want to see him again."

"Do we need to tell someone?" Veronica asks.

"I don't think so. Like I said, I don't think he was trying to do anything to me, I think he was just out of it and I was already so freaked out it just made it seem like everything was a threat. I don't want to go after someone just because they crossed paths with me at the wrong time." The words are harder to say than I expected. I mean them, but somehow that doesn't make it easier.

My brain knows the guy last night wasn't to blame- but some other part of me, something less based in logic, just wants someone to pay. Because Aria isn't here, and someone made her feel scared, and I know how fear tastes. Some part of me wants any man in sight to pay for it, even if that isn't fair or logical.

I notice Veronica staring at me with concern on her face, and I realize I've been glaring at the wall for a while. I squeeze her hand a little and then let go to get another drink of water, trying to wash down the messy feelings clawing their way up my throat. She seems to understand that I desperately need a change of subject. With a hair flip and a dramatic flourish, she sweeps across the room and digs through the box of DVDs I brought from home, immediately plucking a comedy from the pile. I sip water while she pops the disc into my roommate's game console, and a moment later she flops down beside me on the couch again. As the menu screen music plays, I settle in close to her side, feeling for a moment completely and utterly safe.

#

Dear Diary,

I started taking tae-kwon-do. After I explained to Sunshine that I wanted to be able to protect myself, I realized I needed skills to do that. Pepper spray or a weapon can only help if you happen to have them handy- skills can't be taken away. Sunshine has been coming with me and learning, too. It's nice, actually, having something to do together that takes enough physical effort that I don't have space to think.

She's really good at it. Scary good, actually. At first I think she held back a little bit, like she didn't want to show me up. But then we both started to really get into it, and she got competitive. She's beautiful when she's sparring. I don't feel better, exactly, but I don't have to run out of class as often. I look over my shoulder less. I even put stuff back up on my altar, chipped cat and all. Sunshine noticed, and went out to a little metaphysical shop and got me a big chunk of citrine for the altar, to celebrate.

-Aria