The Book at the Top of the Closet

Chapter Thirty

I think I broke up with Liam. Honestly I've never been the one doing the breaking before, with the exception of one time in junior high when I had to break up with a boy because my mom said I was too young to have a boyfriend. Back then I just bought him a honey bun and we stayed friends. I don't think a honey bun is going to smooth things over with Liam.

It's been four days since the night of the party, and after I ran off I kind of just ignored him. Then this morning he showed up to try and talk to me. He was so worried and confused and afraid that he'd done something wrong, but I could barely look at him. All his concern and care for me barely registered under the current of hyper-awareness that if he wanted to, he could overpower me. He could hurt me. It was like it didn't matter that I trust him, that I've always trusted him. I just couldn't get past the fact that when I stood there in my room with him, I felt small and vulnerable.

I tried to explain it to him, but he was so wounded that I could ever feel afraid of him, he eventually just stormed off. That was over an hour ago, and I'm still sitting on the edge of my bed, staring at my phone like any minute it will magically tell me what to say to him to make him understand. When a text message lights up the screen, I almost jump with surprise. It's not from Liam, although even if it were, I don't think I would know what to say.

The text is from Veronica, asking if she can come borrow my laptop charger. I smile at the screen, thinking that in all probability, she misplaced her charger in the gordian knot of cords at her place. She has so many game consoles and electronic things I don't know the names of, all crammed in her tiny dorm room, it's a wonder she ever finds anything. I text back that she can come use my charger, but not to run off with it, because I'm cramming for a final tomorrow and some of the study guides are online. She shows up fifteen minutes later with a four pack of energy drinks and a family size bag of twizzlers, laptop bag slung across her pajama clad torso.

"It's study time, babe," she says, unceremoniously dumping all her stuff onto the coffee table.

"I hope those aren't all for you," I say, eyeing the energy drinks with overdramatic concern. She rolls her eyes and grabs one, opening the little metal tab before she hands it to me, still fizzing. I take a long swig, wincing at the too-sugary taste. I point toward the wall outlet where my charger is plugged in. "All yours."

She leans across me to grab the end of the charger, and I have to hold my drink up high to keep it from sloshing out into her hair. Cord in hand, she slides back across my lap until she's on her own side of the couch again, and I try not to notice how her pajama top has shifted around in the last minute.

I feel like a really awful person, mooning over my best friend less than twenty four hours after my maybe-breakup with Liam. Frustrated and flustered, I try to focus on the study guide on my screen, but all I can think about is how Veronica's knee keeps bumping against mine. Finally, I shut the laptop and perch it on the coffee table, reaching into my backpack on the floor for the one thing guaranteed to distract me from Veronica's legs. I open up Aria's journal and turn to the last entry I read, hoping for the best.

#

Dear Diary,

I don't know for certain if I still believe in magic, but I've started doing spells again. I put up wards in my bedroom and drew sigils on sticky notes. They're all over the walls now, and maybe it's irrational, but I feel a little better. My breath comes a little easier. I drew a sigil of strength on my ankle before tae-kwon-do this week and kicked a little harder.

So I don't know if magic works, if the laws of physics rearrange to accommodate my will. But I know I kicked harder on Monday, and I know it's been six days since I cried and four since I woke up in the middle of the night out of breath. I don't really care if it's magic, or if it comes from a god or a goddess or the universe or me. It works. That is all I need to know.

-Aria