The Love of My Life (girlxgirl)

Better to have loved and lost

I laid there looking at her. She was asleep. Cuddled up to me on the extremely too small mattress.

Slowly my thoughts started to wander.

Did this mean we were dating?

Did I want to date her?

The better question was did I want to date anyone?

I had seen my Dad go from divorce to divorce. Greedy whores who took the money, and left him with the heartbreak. My own god damn mom being one of them. Only she had done the nice thing and dumped me with my dad and never looked back.

I sighed.

But wasn't that what I had been doing up to this point? I had turned into my mother. Just whoring around and getting what I could while the getting was good.

Now here was this amazing girl who cared about me.

I still remember her whispering that she loved me before she fell asleep.

How was I supposed to walk away from all that?

How could I break her heart like those Bitches broke my dad?

Then I realized something.

How could I stay?

Becca was the most amazing person I've ever met. She was smart, and kind, and patient. She was everything I wasn't.

Staying with her would make me happy, but if I stayed with her Id only bring her down.

I knew what I wanted.

I wanted her. I wanted to love and be with her...

But I knew what she needed.

And she needed me to leave. To leave and not come back.

Water dripped on her hair, and I looked up to find the source. Thats when I realized I was crying.

I couldn't even remember the last time I cried, and somehow this girl I seemingly barely knew had somehow managed to steal and break my heart in no time at all.

I wiped my cheeks and kissed her forehead one last time.

God why couldn't this moment just freeze forever? She could just stay asleep right here with me...

I slowly got out of the bed being careful not to wake her.

I dragged out getting dressed as long as I dared.

And as I looked at her one last time before I left, I swore that this time Id do a better job at staying away from her.

It had been 3 miserable months now. And I was making good on my promise. The next day had been terrible. I acted like nothing had happened and avoided her. She cornered me a few days later and I had told her that I was "pursuing better options." I thought that the first week was going to be the hardest. And then I figured that it was the first month. But going on 3 I was wondering if it was ever going to stop hurting.

It wasn't even like the hard part was being around her. She was actually doing a better job at avoiding ME then I was doing at avoiding Her.

The hardest part was wanting to see her. The war was inside myself. And it was apparently an uphill battle that I was constantly losing.

Everyday I hoped the desire to be with her would go away, or at least wane. But everyday it seemed like it waxed stronger then before.

I was never good at dealing with difficult emotional conflict. I suppose I got that from my dad. In order to try and distract me from the constant thoughts that plagued my mind. I had taken up drinking.