Direction Dreamer

Chapter Fifteen

Thanksgiving came and passed, Christmas came and passed, and I wondered if the boys had hung my ornament on the Christmas tree. New Years came and passed, and my eighteenth birthday came and went. Months were passing and all I did was study, attend school and sing. Singing was my safe haven, it gave me hope. I wrote lyrics like nothing, mastered the acoustic guitar and became really talented on the piano. I decided that the only way to get into the music industry was to wait it out and audition for the X Factor in September. Summer was all a blur to me. I spent long days on the beaches in California and awaited the full re-growth of my hair. My hair was about half of the length that it had been, and despite shaving it last year, it was growing at a rapid pace these days. I took a lot of vitamins though, so that may have factored into it. I worked on my tan and made some friends through school, acquiring a job as a waitress at a café on the beach. Luckily, nobody really recognized me from the over a year ago, over a year… I hadn’t seen my family in over a year, woah. I thought about them often, but returning would have just been too painful for me. I didn’t want to explain where I had disappeared to, I just wanted to move on with my life, but that was easier said than done. I ended up leaving Stanford to return home to Massachusetts in August. Massachusetts, though small and dreary most of the time, was a home to me. I returned back to my where I had been born, going back to my former school to visit. I visited my old teachers and the students that I knew, and was welcomed back with open arms. I’d always been a good kid, did my work, excelled in school and didn’t ask questions. That had been one of my good qualities. I knew that this was yet another home for me. I had always liked school better than “home” growing up. It was stable, continuous, even when nothing else in my life was.

I read the magazines and the papers, checked the website and patiently waited for the X Factor to roll into town. I had submitted my audition video months ago, and had gotten my call back, so I waited in line with at least a thousand others, or what seemed like a thousand others. They all chirped away about their auditions to their friends and family. I had nobody. I was in Providence, Rhode Island waiting, waiting, waiting. I was about mid-way in line, and the other auditions seemed to drag on forever. When it came to be my turn, I braved myself, prepared for anything. I’d come this far, there was no turning back now. My hair was shoulder length now, and looking really healthy. I wore a black floral printed tank top - the one that I’d worn the day that I stepped out of that bathroom so long ago into a room where my future awaited me, It was lucky in some way, it brought me a family and love. Maybe it could bring me success too. Paired with that was a pair of red cuffed jean shorts, that showed off my tanned legs, and red heels. I thought I needed to pop to help make an impression. Curly locks and light make-up added to my appearance, and I thought I was looking pretty good. I wore my engagement ring, a precious part of me that I never took off. I treasured it, and there was no shame in that. It was the only piece of Harry that I still had, besides our daughters’ sonogram in my back right pocket. I always kept it with me, she was my pride and joy, and she inspired me to be where I was today. She gave me a sense of hope and a new motto for life: that it does go on. I walked on stage with a hint of sass and the utmost confidence, flashed a smile and stood on the X on the center of the stage. Simon was on the panel, mouth agape staring at me as though I was a ghost who’d just given him a fright. L.A Reid sat beside him, along with Adele and Taylor Swift. “Hi! I’m Mikaela Rae!” I said, standing there with my head held high. “Hi Mikaela, how are you? L.A. asked. “I’m doing great!” I smiled. “So where are you from?” Adele asked. “I’m from Boston, but I’ve moved a lot in the past couple of years.” I said. “How old are you?” she asked. “Eighteen” I said, looking a little guilty for no real reason. “You’re eighteen? You’ve moved around a lot? Impressive. How do your parents feel about that?” she asked. She didn’t know me, that was good. “Well, I was an orphan for about nine years jumping from foster home to foster home before I was admitted to Boston Children’s with bone cancer, and from there I was adopted… It’s been a long journey, but what hasn’t killed me only made me stronger. My mum lives in London with my four sisters.” I said, growing nervous. “Honey, bless you. Whose here with you today?” Adele questioned. “Just me” I said. “What are you going to sing for us?” Taylor asked. “When I Look at You” by Miley Cyrus. The piano began playing and I began singing. The crowd roared and all eyes were on me, and Adele began tearing up. My voice didn’t fail me, every note was precise and in the middle of my performance even my own eyes watered. Everything from my life flashed before me, every happy moment and every ounce of despair and pain, and everything pointed back to Harry. I couldn’t think, no… just sing, Mik. I finished and the crowd went wild. Adele and Taylor were tearing up, L.A. looked a little teary eyed and even Simon looked touched. “Sweetie, I felt like your entire life just played out for me” Adele said, wiping tears from her cheeks. “There was so much emotion in your voice, I can feel it Mikaela, I can. That was beautiful!” L.A. said, “You were singing that to somebody, weren’t you? Who?” Taylor asked. “My fiancé !” I blurted out. I didn’t mean to say that. “You have a fiancé?” she looked shocked. “It was this guy, we were young and in love… I was afraid, I ran away. I didn’t want to hurt him, My cancer was recurring and I couldn’t let him watch me die. I couldn’t let myself ruin his amazing career. He was, is my everything. I haven’t seen him in nearly two years” I sobbed. It was a mistake, I never meant to spill my life story. “Mikaela that was beautiful. You’ve got what every singer need: emotion and talent. You made everybody in the room feel what you’ve felt, call Harry. He misses you.” Simon said. “I give you a l,000 times yes, you’re incredible.” L.A. said. “Honey, move the world with that voice and go tell your fiancé  that you’re going to the next round” Adele smiled, teary eyed still. “You have so much talent to offer the world, you’re going to shine” Taylor said, and added “You’re moving up” to the end. “I never knew that you were so talented. I have to say yes. You’ll be as successful as your fiancé  with a voice like that” Simon said, and I bawled my eyes out. The crowd was clapping, and I walked off of the stage waving and crying. I grabbed my phone and dialed the number that I had “forgotten” almost two years ago. I hung up mid-ring though. How could I just call up after being gone for so long? What was I supposed to say? No, that just wouldn’t do. I had to talk to Simon after the show, so I stuck around backstage until the time came.

“Uncle Simon! Simon!” I called, and he spun around in the blink of an eye. “Mikaela!” he said, seeming relieved to have found me. “I was hoping you hadn’t gone too far. We need to talk.” he said. Those four famous words from Uncle Simon? I was in for it now, he must hate my guts. I knew that Harry had taken my disappearance hard, shows were re-scheduled and he was frantic. I was the cause of his distress. “I’ll get you a ticket, please fly out to London. Please go find Harry and rejoice. He needs you, he was so lost when you disappeared. The boys tell me that he still wakes up in the middle of the night in a panic about you not being with him. He was so depressed…  he thinks your dead. He hasn’t been the same since you left. Go back to him…” he said, with a serious face and a mildly considerate tone of voice, revealing sympathy. “I will, soon. Please just give him this for me. It should give him some hope” I said, handing him the sonogram of his daughter with my name and a timestamp. “You’re pregnant?” he asked. “Was” I corrected. “You have a baby?” he asked. “I miscarried. Let him know that I never stopped loving him and that I’ll come home to him soon. I need some time… I need to find a way. I can’t just show up…” I said. “Alright” he said, and handed me an invitation to a big party on October first, the party to celebrate the launch of One Direction’s next upcoming tour. “There’s a way” he hinted, and walked off leaving me with a single thought that gave me the chills, the good kind. Harry Styles still loved me. He still loved me.

It took a few days to pack up all of my belonging into suitcases from my apartment, and load everything into my Porsche. I had my old plates put back on, the ones that said “Styles” on them. If Harry really WOULD take me back. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t. I wouldn’t take me back either. I was heading for the airport to catch the next flight to London, I was going home. Maybe not directly, but I was returning to my fairytale ending that I’d traded in for a less than perfect mildly average lifestyle, that just wasn’t cutting it anymore.