Direction Dreamer

Chapter Eighteen

Harry practically threw me on his bed, hopping on top of me and kissing me like crazy. We hadn’t really talked much - we didn’t get the opportunity at the club. It was about one in the morning when we finally paraded into the house, and he was for the most part, sober. I cut him off two hours earlier before he got out of hand - according to Niall, drinking had been a way of him coping without me. He’d more or less just smothered me in kisses, promising we’d talk when we got home. Nothing about the manor had changed, it was as beautiful as ever, but felt emptier. During the time that I was away, two of the guys’ had moved out - Zayn and Liam. Both to live with their girlfriends. It was such an unusual feeling, being back here. With Harry though, it made all the difference. I absorbed all of the love that he had to offer, every ounce of my being hungry for more of it. It was an endless cycle, a cycle of love and lust as he ran his hands up my dress, down my thighs, teasing me. I wanted to dig deeper, give him all of me and everything that I had to offer as I did so long ago. The time apart had driven us both mad, and in that moment I knew that we both desired something far greater than sex. One look into my eyes and he knew, and before we knew it our bodies were interlaced, meshing together and creating the most powerful thing on this planet: love. Nothing in existence had ever measured up to my feelings about that moment in time. We were on fire, the world was ours and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. If I had learned anything on that day, it was that love is incomparable, it was not something created by fiction writers as I had once believed. It was real, it existed, and it only arrives when you need it the most. It’s a feeling that creates butterflies in your stomach, a knot in your head and your heart to race infinitely. I had never believed in this kind of love, but that’s because it wasn’t just love. It was so much more, it was more than the eye could ever see, and more than I could ever dream.

I woke up the next morning, dizzily entangled in strong, secure arms. His arms. I fell back into his arms and wrapped myself up in him. He was snoring, the light, sweet snore that made me miss him so much more, even with him laying right in front of my eyes. I grabbed a pillow and bonked him on the head with it. “Wake up sleeping beauty!” I sang, and he covered his head with his pillow for protection groaning. “Five more minutes love…” he said groggily, now that just wouldn’t do. I turned on the iPod dock sitting beside his bed, and turned the volume up full blast, stood on the bed and jumped as much as I could, before he finally awoke fully, stood up and grabbed my waist, pulling me back down into him. He gave me a kiss on the forehead, and whispered sweet nothings in my ear until a knock at the door interrupted our picture-perfect moment. “Harry you woke everybody in the house up! We got in late last night, couldn’t you have let us sleep?!” it was Niall. Oops. He walked in on Harry holding me in his arms, took one glance and walked out. “Sorry, I understand now. Have fun!” he yelled, closing the door behind him. “Was last night all a dream? Is this a dream? Are you really here?” he asked, poking my cheek. I leaned up, kissing him softly. “You tell me Hazza.” I smiled sheepishly, and shut my eyes. Was this all a dream? I felt like I was on Cloud 9. Maybe it was. My entire body was trembling, my throat hurt and I felt like everything hurt. What even happened last night? “You must be here. I don’t feel broken anymore.” he smirked, and held both of my hands in his, playing with my fingers. “I’ll never be able to say how sorry I am babe, for the past two years… I never meant to break you, I never meant to hurt anybody. I was doing what I thought was best.” I told him, my eyes began watering. “I know. I thought you were gone. Forever. Then I told myself that you’re strong, the strongest person I know, and nothing can touch you. You’re a fighter. My girl.” He smiled, still playing with my fingers. “The cancer came back sweetie. I thought that I was going to die… you couldn’t see me the way that I was. It would have completely broken you. I had no hair, every inch of my body was numb, and even with my heart aching for you, I couldn’t bring myself to call you.” I told him. A tear formed in his eyes. “I hate thinking about you ever being in pain baby. It hurts me. Right here.” he said, pointing to his heart. “But I would have been there for you. I could go bald. For you, I would do anything. It hurt me more not knowing where you where, what you were doing, if you were okay at all. It hasn’t been easy without you. Don’t you know that you’re the only girl that I’ll ever love?” he croaked, his voice choking up. I touched his face, and wiped a tear that was streaming down his cheek. “I was pregnant when I ran away.” I said, flatly. I dropped the bomb. I knew that his heart sank. We’d talked about our future, the children we wanted, their names, how many. The big house that we’d own in the United States because he loved it there, with a white picket fence and a big, beautiful dog with big blue eyes and all of the love that we’d provide for our family. We talked about our wedding, our wedding party, where we would go, we had our lives figured out. The one thing that we hadn’t factored in was my cancer. “Please don’t tell me that.” he said, knowing well that the baby wasn’t with me. “It was a girl.” I said. He shoved his face into the pillow, and let it all out. He was torn up inside. He dreamed of having a daughter, and he had. She just hadn’t made it. He got up, and I held him in my arms while he cried. It was such a devastating feeling, losing our baby. I cried with him, remembering how she had looked, so tiny and frail and the image flashed over and over. We sat there mourning the baby that we had lost. He had never even seen her, and the pain that he felt was so immense that I thought the tears would never stop flowing. He wept, wept more, and after the tears couldn’t stain his cheeks any longer, he buried his face into my hair and whispered something to me that would make me realize how much he really, truly loved me. “Was she beautiful like you? I’m sure that she’s smiling down on us, and she’s proud of her mum for being the woman that she is. She loves you, and we love her. She may not be with us, but she always will be. She’s our blessing. She’s our daughter.” he whispered, breathing deeply and wrapping his arms around my shaking body. I whispered back. “She was beautiful. Tiny and frail, with ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. I love her. We love her. Our little angel.” I half-smiled, holding back tears. He had found closure for us both. I told him about our daughter, that I couldn’t find it in me to name her, but she was buried in Texas. I told him about the night that the miscarriage happened, and the pain felt as fresh as ever. I had buried that behind me when the baby was buried. I pushed it aside when the memories flooded my mind. It was too painful, made me tenuous. It made my heart ache for a tiny bundle of joy that I should be holding in my arms right now. I told him about my expeditions, my journeys and my life for the past two years. He sat there and listened to every detail, even those that pained him. I let him into the walls that I had built up to keep everybody out since I ran away. They crumbled, leaving me an open target. I didn’t leave out a single detail. He understood why I had left, he forgave me. He was still in pain, but he would need time to fully recover. He made me pinky promise to never leave again. As our pinkies interlocked, I knew that was a promise I was going to keep. I couldn’t leave my Harry again. It wasn’t just a statement, it was an absolute. I didn’t want to miss another moment of our lives together.

When we finally left the room, we were starving, but this time for food, and not for one another. We raced each other up to the kitchen to find food, finding Louis up there. “Oh, you’re here.” he said, sourly. Harry shot him a look. “What’s your problem?” Harry asked. “You and everybody else just letting her come back into your lives as though she did nothing… as though she didn’t break your heart for the past two years. She doesn’t deserve it.” he said. A blow to the chest. I felt sick to my stomach. I was guilty enough. He didn’t need to make it worse. I wanted to leave. Take Harry with me and leave. “You didn’t even hear her out, did you? You’re so stubborn. She’s your sister, mate. You’re being a jerk.” Harry defended me. My hero. “Fine Styles, you deal with her. I can’t.” Lou said, storming out. I didn’t understand why he hated me so much. “Why does he hate me so much?” I asked. “He’s just been through a lot since you ran away. He’s stubborn. He’ll come around baby.” Haz said, extending his arms out to hold me. Being in his arms guarded me from pain of any form. He held me there for a long time, and he told me that if anything, we would always have each other. He believed in us. I believed in him, and in believing in him, I believed in us too. I was home to stay.