Mafia Queen

Chapter Twenty Four

Charlotte

"Luca Catalano was a brilliant leader, and an even better man." Angelo stood at the podium in front of hundreds of people, staring so intently at the paper in front of him that I thought he might burn a hole right through it. To the rest of the crowd, he looked like the pillar of strength, but from my position, I could see his trembling hands and the way he bit onto his lip in between sentences. "I had the privilege of knowing Luca early on in my life, and he bailed me out of more than a few tough situations. He was fiercely loyal, and always the kind of guy you wanted to have fighting in your corner. I watched him build up his empire, brick by brick, and it was his entire world. Until he met Charlotte, that is." I flinched when I heard my name and Angelo shot me a soft smile. I returned it, but tried my very best to drown the rest of his speech out.

I couldn't bear to listen to him speak about Luca like this. Like he was really gone. If I let myself believe that, even for a split second, my world would crumble, and I couldn't afford that right now. I had too much on my plate, too many people counting on me to keep it together. Layla sat next to me with her little fingers intertwined in mine. My mom suggested leaving the boys with a sitter since they were still so young, but there was no shot. I was leaving them right now. Our three children were the only thing dragging me through these last few days.

My mom held a fussy Leo on her lap while Cole was cradled sleeping in Jenni's arms. They had hardly left me alone the last few days, and while I was thankful for their support, all I really wanted was a moment to myself. People tiptoed around me like they were afraid to say the wrong thing. Luca taught me how to take care of myself, and all this attention just felt suffocating. I knew they were just trying to help, but all it was doing was making me feel weak and like I couldn't take care of my family. At Angelo's insistence, he'd moved us all back to the estate, claiming it was safer for the time being, so it didn't look like I was going to get to be alone any time soon.

The memorial was set up in our backyard, one of Luca's favorite places in the entire world. It used to be mine too, but being out here today without him was shifting my view.The front of the podium was lined with pictures that Carmen and I picked. My heart felt like it was shattering every time I looked into his eyes in one of those pictures, but I couldn't seem to look away. From almost the moment we met, Luca and I had been connected in an unspeakable way. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves, like we were a physical part of each other. Wouldn't I know if he was gone? Wouldn't I feel something?

I knew my denial of this was only dragging it out. Luca was gone, and I needed to accept that for the sake of everyone around me. What if he wasn't, though? I couldn't shake that feeling.

Angelo handled everything with the coroner for me. They said he was unrecognizable, but did they run tests? Were they absolutely sure that was my husband? I hadn't slept in five days and I knew I wouldn't until I knew the answer to that question. What if he was out there somewhere and we had all just giving up so easily? I could already feel myself becoming fixated on this. What if I became obsessed and spent my whole life looking for him? What kind of life is that for our children? It was my job to be strong for them and get them through this. How could I do that if I wasn't facing the reality that Luca was gone?

I knew the logical thing to do would be to try to move on and rebuild our lives. That was what Luca would want us to do. My heart would never let me though, at least not until I was sure, beyond a shadow of a doubt.

After the service, talking to people was the last thing I wanted to do, so Layla and I wandered over to the lake and sat down on the edge of it.

"I miss daddy, momma." Layla frowned, tossing a rock into the lake. She was the only one old enough to really understand what was happening, and hadn't left my side the last few days.