The Undead

Sick Puppy .

Your plumped pink lips, flushed facial and stepped out of proportion, misunderstood and kept quiet. Begging yourself to forgive and let go an impossible statement you, can't forgive

Dark airy shadows laid awake to watch you sleep, to keep the insomniac inside you awake, seeing yourself was disgusting. Feeling so low, so critically. Flat and deprived of everything that is keeping you alive, no one, nothing could ever make Erik feel alive again.

Death. Death. Death. Dead.

Was it bound to me, bound to you, bound to everyone who touched the soil. Or felt the rays of sunlight on their colored skin.

Who would imagine this to be the last time. Last time to breathe, last time to think, last time to love. Again, loosing something living inside you killed every morsel , cell inside you. Petty grew and you couldn't care less if you were selfish or arrogant.

Everyone's hurting.

But do they know how flat I feel. Now each time I gag at the thought of my happiness, my body, my thoughts.

They don't need me, I'm worthless weight, weighing everyone down. A constant worry that I might break if not me than them.

I break everything and everyone.

And as I begin to think of this, listing in my head the people.

Shane, I couldn't give him a child.
Phin, I was never there.
My mother and father, their deaths were my vain.
Jazzmin, I was never there
Caitlin, lonely without a friend, I was never there.
Maggie and Glenn, Rick or Lori, too selfish to say thank-you.
Carl, I never thanked.
Hershel and Beth, selfishness driven.

I wasn't there for them but myself. This was all I felt.

I'm worthless.

_-_-_-_

Lying cold, alone. In the dark. My stomach rumbling from lack of nutrition. Everyone knocking on the door ," Hey, You okay." Daryl asked from the other side of the wooden door, " fine." An easy response given at anytime to answer something I couldn't say I wasn't okay too. "Dinners ready!" Maggie said half an hour later. "I'll leave it by the door," "I'm fine ."

_-_-_-_

Cold food left neglect fully at the door.
"We can't keep doing this. She's wasting all our supplies." Beth argued, with Hershel and Rick slumping away ignoring rude compliment. "We'll be okay".

"She is not okay and you know it. She doesn't come out of that room, eat, drink. I hear her crying at night." Jazzmin spat at Phin and the rest of the group, "I know, but what are we suppose to do." Phin panicked. "We try anything and everything we can." "We be there for her. Til the end."

But what if there is no end.

_-_-_-_-_

A continuous thought , none the less a improvement from the self doubting crisis in Erik's mindset. "What if there is no end to my pain. I'll die alone. I don't want to be one of those walkers. "

Illuminating darkness surrounded her , and silent filled the cold frosted air. She stood up. Her stitches all healed she took them out and finally could shower.

_-_-_-_

Showering, changing clothes. She prepared herself and stuck on a fresh pair of socks and attempted to open the door. Scared to see everything come to life.

Sat by the door was Carl playing with some old rusty car toys and books.

The cold metal touched the skin of Erik's hand as she twisted it she inhaled and walked out. Carl didn't notice she walked to Phins room. No one was apparent .

She looked through his bag to find two razors hidden in his toiletry bag.
Snatching them and sticking them into her hoodie pocket. She walked out, finally to see everyone sitting together.

_-_-_-_-_-

She earned glares, it was  like watching Jesus rising from the dead. They ate their food , conversating, "Don't stop talking because of me." Erik stated walking towards her group of best friends . Jazzmin running towards the widowed girl crying. She hugged her, but Erik felt nothing.

One last night with everyone, say
thank-you and  go back to the room.

Don't make it hard, don't make it so someone can rescue you. Erik fully committed. It's now or never.

Phin smiled, at her still Erik felt nothing. No warmth or comfort. Shane walking over placing his hand on her lap made her wince he backed off. "Sorry." He claimed forgivingly, "it's fine. Hey guys thanks for being there for me." "What do you mean."

Erik got up from her seat and walked to the next, Hershel, Rick , Lori and Beth. "Thank-you." Stating why, and how was enough.

Same went for Daryl and the rest. Carl wouldn't leave , "Here-" Giving the kid my cassette player and headphones. "Don't worry, kid you'll be fine." "Thanks." He ran away to show it off.

_-_-_-_-_

Laid tucked away you felt the cold sharp metal razor in your fingers. The bedrooms bathroom light not giving enough.

Dragging the razor across your olive skin, loving the pain. "Pathetic." The whispers seem to get louder pleading, "do it." "Again." You don't want to die and become a walker  but to die on your own terms, you can do it.
One after another the razor covered in blood you lied on the ground.

Smiling like a sick puppy. No tears , no cries, "I'll get to see my mum and dad again." Was the last time you said anything before the darkness consumed your vision.