Inner Desires

12.

Saturday evening was getting closer. If she didn't hear anything from Hanna, Kimberly was determined to call Angela to go out. Little by little, she was beginning to accept the idea that their relationship was over. The way Hanna had left so abruptly in the morning couldn't mean anything else.

However, she didn't let it hurt her. Disappointed would be a more precise word for the way she was feeling. She thought Hanna adored her and had had a good time the night before, but apparently she was wrong. Her girlfriend – if she could call her like this at all – didn't seem to have any intentions of seeing her again, as she had made clear during breakfast, acting so desperate to leave. At least she was hoping for her to call and make the breakup official so she could just go clubbing with Angela. It'd be nice to visit the straight world for a change. After all, she belonged there. If losing Hanna wasn't affecting her that much, that meant they were not meant to be. And if no other woman had ever shown interest in her, that meant she wasn't made for them.

In fact, her first time hadn't been what she had expected at all. The brunette's attempt to satisfy her hadn't worked, and guilt had made her fake the orgasm. Having her there, trying and trying until her finger was numb without any results, was killing her. She couldn't let the girl go to sleep wondering what she had done wrong. Yet she had blamed it on being too nervous to enjoy it. Now she was starting to think that maybe it was a sign.

Kimberly Page had never fallen in love with a woman. Her main reason for wanting to experience same-sex relationships was simply curiosity. She only referred to herself as a bisexual because she knew no girl would volunteer to be a bored straight chick's guinea pig. Of course, she was an open-minded person who didn't want to rule anything out – never say never until you've tried it, was her motto. Well, now she had finally satisfied her wish to explore and it hadn't been that special. C'est la vie.

To keep her mind distracted, she had been cleaning up all day, as she always did. Even so, she hadn't managed to prevent her mind from making up dialogues, anticipating how her breakup with Hanna would go. Deep in her heart, she wanted another chance; no one likes their first time, they say. The voice of reason, though, was telling her to prepare for the worst. Maybe it was for the best, after all...

Finally, she received a call from Hanna while she was having dinner. As she had predicted, the Dutch girl had sounded very serious and pronounced the magic words: We need to talk. Great intuition. Without showing any anxiety, she had accepted to let her come over half an hour later. She already knew what she was going to say to her anyway, so there was nothing to be afraid of. Kim was calm. She finished her dinner and washed the dishes, putting all her effort in making them look as shiny and spotless as the rest of the house.

A stupid movie was on TV. It could be a good distraction until the moment of truth arrived. Kimberly sat on the couch, her elbow resting on its arm, savoring a glass of the wine they had had the night before. It was indeed a delicious one, with a sweet, fruity touch.

When her doorbell rang, she had already downed her drink. She stood up, tidying her ponytail and fixing her clothes, more out of habit than to make herself look good. There was no need to hurry to open the door, so she walked slowly, almost dragging her feet.

"Hey! Sorry I'm a bit late" Hanna smiled sheepishly, inviting herself in.

"It's fine."

For someone who was about to leave her lover, Hanna looked pretty cheerful. She didn't even need to lead her to the couch, as she headed straight for it by herself. Kimberly rolled her eyes, taking advantage of a moment in which the other woman couldn't see her and sat down next to her, waiting for the conversation to begin.

"First of all, I'm really sorry I left like that this morning" the brunette started "It was stupid and rude."

"No, it's ok. I understand" Kim responded unemotionally.

"The awkwardness was too much for me. I needed some time on my own to think about what happened between us last night."

"Oh?"

Hanna made a pause to take a deep breath. Kimberly was starting to worry that she'd suffocate any moment. She considered using that break to tell her all she had in her head not to make the agony longer; however, she decided to let the girl continue.

"I've never been with a woman before, Kim. Last night was something completely new for me, and it's terrifying. That's why I've been so distant after that."

"Alright. I understand."

"God, I really don't know where to begin..." the brunette sighed.

"Just do it quickly and painless, ok?" Kim burst out.

Blinking confusedly, Hanna tipped her head to the side, staring at Kim.

"What?"

"You want to tell me that you don't want to see me again, don't you?"

"No!" the Dutch girl exclaimed "Not at all. Why would you think so?"

"Well..." Kimberly shrugged "I was assuming if you keep saying that you're scared and felt the urge to leave the morning after, something couldn't be right."

"No, no, no. There's nothing wrong with you or what we did, sweetheart. If there's a problem here, that would have to be me."

"Oh, the good old classic? It's not you, it's me? Forgive me for sounding paranoid, but this sounds to me like a cliché breakup..."

Hanna slid away from Kimberly on the couch. Why was she so much on the defensive? She was probably not making herself understood in the right way.

"Look, Kimberly, I don't want to break up with you. When I say that I am the problem, I mean that this is a whole new world for me, and that's quite a big shock. For the thirty-one years of my life, I've always thought that I would find the perfect man and start a family with him. Now, suddenly I've found out that what I needed was not the perfect man, but the perfect woman" she inhaled "Just try to imagine what this feels like for me – my whole world has been turned upside down! Luckily, I've had some time to think about it deeply and seen that it's not like that. Seems like I've finally found the missing piece of the puzzle. What I'm trying to say is that even if I'm frightened to the bones, I loved the night we spent together. And I really hope we can have many more nights like that."

Gazing deep into her blue eyes with a weak smile, she took both Kimberly's hands. The blonde looked up, but still didn't seem completely convinced.

"What? You mean it?"

The other woman nodded. Her eyes travelled to their hands as she began caressing them tenderly.

"I've been with many men" Hanna spoke "And whenever I've slept with them, I've had the feeling that something was missing. Yesterday, for the first time, no matter how nervous I was, I went to sleep thinking of how perfect it had been. Understanding all these feelings I have for you surely won't be easy, but I was hoping you could help me figure it all out."

It was Kim's world which had been turned upside down. She couldn't believe her ears. After hours getting ready for a breakup, it turned out Hanna wanted to be with her for real. There she had the second chance she wished for. How could that girl be so perfect? That, in turn, made her feel guilty. In spite of freaking out at first, now that she had had time to give it some thought, Hanna seemed really confident and optimistic that their relationship would work. The blonde, on the other hand, was really unsure, but she didn't let it show as she said:

"It'll be an honor. We'll figure it all out. Together."

They sealed the deal with a kiss. As her girlfriend's familiar mouth touched hers, Hanna saw all her doubts fading away and wondered how she could have been such a coward. Her lips felt at home when they brushed against Kim's. It was the blonde who broke the contact slowly.

"I was thinking" she began, licking the corners of her mouth "As our first morning together wasn't that romantic... how about giving ourselves a second night and morning?"