Inner Desires

21.

One last shirt was placed carefully in the suitcase. Then the zipper was closed. Kimberly looked around the house, checking that she hadn't left any personal belongings behind. Her argument with her ex had made her think and see things differently. Chris was right – she had to stop fooling herself and the whole world, especially Hanna. The brunette would be back in about half an hour. It was time she faced the music.

She sat on the couch waiting for her, the suitcase standing by the coffee table. It is for the best, she repeated to herself over and over. Although she was really nervous, wondering how her girlfriend would take it, all she wanted was for the suffering to end for once and for all. Up above, someone seemed to hear her prayers.

"I'm home!" Hanna's voice announced cheerfully "I convinced my boss to let me out a bit earlier, so we can-"

Her speech was cut when she spotted the suitcase. Hanna's naturally pale skin seemed to turn even whiter for a moment. The Dutch girl swallowed.

"Where are you going?" she wanted to know.

As a response, Kimberly patted the space next to her on the couch, motioning for her to sit. Not daring to look her in the eye (2), she took Hanna's hand.

"There's something I need to tell you" she murmured "I haven't been honest with you in many things... I really don't know how to say all of this to you..."

She could hear the brunette's breath accelerating. Obviously, she could figure out what was coming next. Kim exhaled and continued.

"First of all, you should know that you're a wonderful girl and these almost two years have been very special and it'll be hard to forget them."

"Are you breaking up with me? But why?" Hanna interrupted.

"It's complicated. I haven't treated you the way you deserve, and I should stop it."

"Kim, you're not making any sense... Why are you saying that? You've treated me really well..."

"No, I haven't" the blonde shook her head "I haven't given you enough... attention in the past months, and there is an explanation for that."

"And that would be?"

The moment had come. Kimberly bit her lip hard, thinking of how to say it all in the least painful way. Yet she knew Hanna would suffer either way.

"I didn't want to sleep with you."

"Why?" the Dutch girl questioned "Am I doing anything wrong?"

"No, not at all. I'm sure you try your best, but I... I'm just..." she took a deep breath "I'm not into women."

Her confession made the brunette let go of her hand instinctively. She held back a gasp and blinked, trying to make sense out of what she had just heard.

"What do you mean, you're not into women? You're bisexual..."

"That's one of the things in which I lied to you" Kim toyed with her hair "I'm not bisexual, Hanna. Deep down, I've always known I'm straight. You're the only woman I've ever slept with."

Hanna remained silent for a minute. The blonde didn't even dare to look at her.

"Are you saying I was just... an experiment?"

"Kind of..."

"But I don't understand!" the brunette exclaimed "Does this mean you never enjoyed making love to me?"

"I tried to..."

"Then why did you keep sleeping with me if you didn't like it?"

"I... I thought it would get better with time..."

"And you needed so long to realize it wasn't good?"

Kimberly didn't answer. The Dutch girl swallowed, fighting the urge to cry. In the other woman's silence, she thought she could see a flash of hope.

"Well... sex is not the most important thing, right?" she said "You fell in love with me, and that's all that matters..."

"That's the other thing..." Kim began hesitantly "I did have feelings for you, but I don't think it was love. I was thankful to you for being such a good friend... and I was also quite fascinated by you in a strange way. I think I mistook these all for love."

She couldn't hold back the tears any longer. Anger and sorrow were flowing through her veins, and she could feel an intense pain in no particular part of her body; in fact, it was as though her whole body was suddenly aching.

"You've never loved me?!" she wondered barely above a whisper.

"I do love you... just not in that way..."

"You've been fooling me for over a year! Why did you do that to me?"

The blonde shrugged. She still avoided looking at the other woman, more due to the shame and guilt of having betrayed her.

"I just didn't know how to break it to you... I didn't want to hurt you..."

"You didn't want to hurt me?! Don't you realize that by telling me only now you're hurting me much more?"

"Hanna, I'm sorry! I know I've been an asshole, and you didn't deserve that... You'll be better off without me. I'm sure you'll soon find the right person."

"Just empty words, I'm tired of this!" she sobbed "Why did you have to lie to me for so long? Why did you let me believe that I would spend the rest of my life with you?"

"I've told you I was confused" Kim scratched her head "I thought if I gave myself some more time, I would fall in love with you like you fell for me..."

"That doesn't work like this. You can't force yourself to love someone, Kim; it doesn't matter how much time goes by."

Kimberly licked her lips, watching the Dutch girl crying her heart out against the couch, embracing a cushion tightly. She knew she had made a horrible mistake, and that she could never mend it. All she wanted was to get out of there; she couldn't face Hanna anymore.

"So what's it gonna be like now?" the brunette finally asked, wiping her eyes "This is still our home."

"Don't worry about that. I'm moving out right now."

"And where will you go?"

Wringing her hands, Kim tried to think of a white lie. However, knowing that the damage was done, she chose to tell the truth.

"I'm moving in with my ex."

"What?!" Anger sparkled in Hanna's eyes "You're going back to him?!"

The blonde nodded.

"We're... already back together, actually."

"You are? Since when?"

"A few months ago. We kept in touch even after the breakup, and some months ago we met again and... and we understood that we had never stopped loving each other."

Hanna covered her face with her hand, rubbing her forehead. Used, lied to, cheated on... that was all too much to take. Her fear of being alone and the sadness of having been broken up with were slowly being replaced by the rage of betrayal. Closing her eyes tightly, the words she pronounced came out of her mouth more firmly than ever:

"Just go away."