I Need You

Adoption and Burial

It's done and I can't go back in time to undo my mistakes. She's gone and she's not coming back. I try to tell myself but it's not working. No matter how much I tell myself she's gone, I know I'm lying to myself cause anywhere I go, she's there waiting to haunt me with our memories; the memories we made together when she was there.

Her parents were a wreck when I got back to the hospital. I told them where she was and they agreed that if she liked it there, then they were okay with it. That night, no one slept. I spent all night sending texts to her friends inviting them to the burial which was in a week. Her parents called their family members and I watched them cry. I was too weak to cry anymore so I let them hug me tightly. I knew I was all they had left and I knew I couldn't fail them. That night, I slept with them and it reminded of me of when I was little. When I had bad dreams, I'd sleep between my parents while they sang to me. It hurt that all that had to end as I grew older.

The next day, the house was filled with crying relatives and friends. I had become fond of her friends and family. They considered me family. Her cousins kept hugging me knowing that I was the closest to her. It hurt that they thought I was weak and fragile; even Nicky said so. I guess she's right cause the minute her boyfriend hugged me, I broke down. He stayed by my side and let me cry into his chest. He was always so kind and sweet to her, none of them deserved this kind of pain. My brothers came and I just sat on their laps just enjoying their hugs and kisses. I guess now that Now Nicky is gone, I had to move back. I'd ask after the burial.

That afternoon, all her friends made me go up to Nicky's room to collect the stuff I needed. They knew it would be hard so they stayed by my side. I took her photo album, her diary...basically all her personal stuff. I took the gifts I gave her and her favorite things. I found a list in her diary. It was the order of how I should donate her things. I showed her mum and she allowed me to go ahead. It was hard for all of us but they promised to take care of it. Once I was done, they all went out of the room promising to visit again. It was Saturday so tomorrow was a memorial mass for her and I...didn't want to go.

Once everyone had gone, her parents called my brothers and I into the living room to tell us something.

"Please have a sit Shawn and Adrian." They sat at my two sides. "We have had a word with the CPA and they allowed us to adopt you as our own children. I'm sure Nicky would've wanted that so I want to ask, will you become part of the Smith family?"

I don't think I've ever seen them so vulnerable at that moment. Her mum was crying and begging while her dad just looked at us smiling weakly. I looked back and forth between my brothers who were staring into the air. Something was wrong.

"You know, don't you?" Shawn asked looking down.

"Now what?" I asked looking between them. "Are you hiding something from me?"

Adrian placed a hand on my lap and squeezed it. "Ever since you left and mum and dad were arrested, we've been having financial problems. Mum and dad owed so many bills and taxes and we had to work out butts off to pay. We could never make ends meet so we lost the house and everything in it. We've been living with aunt Racheal and trying to get an apartment but she's too scared to let us work."

I gasped standing up. I can't believe they hid that from me. I could've helped them! While I was enjoying life, the brothers I thought were okay were struggling and living like beggars. I shut my eyes and went to my room too angry to say a word. I flung myself into the chair on my desk and placed my head in the desk trying to wrap my head around what I just heard. I didn't hear the door open slightly.

"Jayln?" I ignored him and kept my head down. I didn't want to cry anymore cause it was tired and a waste of time. He squatted beside me and placed his hand on my cheek. "Jayln?"

"You guys fucking lied to me." I growled. "I could've helped you! I'm not a fool Shawn!"

"I'm so..." I stopped him by hugging him before he could say another word. I smiled and kissed his cheek before pulling away. "...sorry?"

I giggled and held his hand as we stood up. "I'm not mad, I'm angry that you still think I'm weak...even if it's true."

"We wanted to tell you but Nicky wouldn't let us." He whispered. I cringed when he said her name. Nicky knew and she didn't tell me? She was probably trying to protect me. That girl was too sweet to be real. I just nodded and followed him downstairs. There were some other people wearing suits in the room. Adrian sat at the table signing some documents. I knew what he was signing as soon as Nicky's mum smiled at me. I smiled back and took the papers handed to me. I signed them all and gave them back. They stamped it and a woman smiled at us.

"I hereby pronounce you as Adrian Smith, Shawn Smith and Jayln Smith. Congratulations and once again, I'm sorry for your loss. I want to remind you that we will come back after six months to check on them. If we see that they have problems here, we'll be forced to take them back to their parents who have been released and are working to pay their bills and taxes."

They walked out of the house and we immediately had a group hug. Nicky's mum, now my mum, placed her hands on my cheeks and looked into my eyes. "Having you as my daughter might not be able to fill the gap Nicky left but I know she's happy. I just wish we had done this earlier so she could witness having siblings that she loves, and a twin sister."

I smiled and hugged her tightly trying my best not to cry. I sighed as I pulled away. Adrian and Shawn would move in tomorrow so that because night, I slept in Nicky's room.

_________________________________________

It was the day of Nicky's burial and I was seated in my room wearing a black dress. Nicky gave it to me when I got bumped about people calling me an emo for always wearing black. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

"Jayln!"

I turned around and saw Nicky running towards me. I had walked out of the cafeteria. I couldn't handle the taunting so I decided to ditch school and go home. My eyes were still pouring out tears and my mascara was probably messed up.

"Go away!" I hissed. She frowned at me and stopped at arms length. "Go Nicky to your true friends. Why do you even want to hang with me? I'm a sadist girl who pushes the world away! Don't you get it?!"

She didn't budge. Instead, she held out a package and looked at me expecting me to take it. I sighed and dropped my hands to my sides glaring hard at her. She just kept staring at me with a blank expression. I finally took the package knowing she wouldn't leave unless I took it. I grabbed it and held it for a while before opening it. I gasped when I saw what was inside.

"You got me the dress from the mall!" I gasped. "But why?"

She just tilted her head to the side and smiled. "You look nice in black Jay, don't ever forget that."

I smiled warmly at her. "Thanks Angel."

"We're ready Jayln!" Shawn yelled. "Come on!"

I sighed getting up hugging the shawl over my shoulder. I slowly walked downstairs. When my mum saw the dress, she broke into tears hugging me. I smiled at her and led her to the car. We drove to the cliff in silence. When we got there, everyone was already waiting. They helped us out of the car. Nicky's boyfriend stayed by my side and held my hand squeezing it. I smiled at him before looking back at Nicky's grave. No words were said. We just prayed in our hearts for her. After a while, we began to speak out our hearts. When it came to my turn, I stood in front of her grave. Nicky always said I was a person of few words, and that she liked that.

"Nicky, I know you're hear and you can hear me." I began quietly. I felt a gentle breeze pass me and I smiled. "You always accepted me for who I am and you never judged me. I just have one thing to say to you. Nicky, even in the darkest of times, you were my light, when the world was against me, you were there to protect me. Now, you're gone and...I'm lost again. The world is so confusing and there's no meaning to my life without you. Nicky, Angel, I wish you luck in the afterlife. I'll be with you again and nothing will ever separate us, I promise."