Requisites Of Life

Chapter 14

Amelia

The bitter air blew harshly against me, the sporadic chills running through my body giving me warning of the oncoming storm. I didn't care too much about the storm clouds headed in my direction, or the icicles staring at me from roof edges; they all seemed so minuscule compared to the storm I was walking into. 

My pink fingers curled around the ends of my coat sleeve. I gripped tighter and tighter the closer I got to where I was headed. I wasn't sure if they were growing numb from the cold, or from how tightly I held them in a fist. I didn't think it was possible to somehow feel even more sick to the stomach than I already was, but I was quickly proved wrong as soon as I arrived at my destination. 

This was a memory lane I didn't want to stroll down, a dark forest filled with trees rooted in nightmares I didn't want to revisit. But I couldn't avoid this place forever. I couldn't avoid him forever. 

Not many people are unsettled at the sight of an ice cream shop, but it took a lot for me to lean against the brick wall on the side of it. It was even harder to fake confidence as I stood near the door, awaiting the arrival of someone I dreaded seeing. Eventually, a girl walked out through the door. She smiled and waved, giving a casual "I haven't seen you in forever!" before continuing to her car. She probably understood that I was there to see the boy who walked out a couple minutes after her, but didn't understand the magnitude of why I was there. 

As I watched her drive away, I could feel the splatter of a couple raindrops on my scalp. Judging by their weight, it was undeniable that they were raindrops, somehow surviving the frost that came just hours before them. I squinted up at the cloudy sky, allowing a raindrop to land directly on my nose. I jumped at its unexpected arrival, but jumped so much more at the arrival of a voice behind me. 

"Amelia?" 

I spun around, placing myself face-to-face with the nightmare that had been haunting the back of my mind, lingering in the well hidden corners of my life. For a split second, the memories came flooding back. 

The alcohol on his breath. 

His hand snaking its way up my shirt. 

Me removing it. 

Him kissing my stiffened body

Him gradually creeping my shirt up, one by one, each crinkle of the fabric building shivers up my spine.

Him getting closer to what he wanted.

Him getting angrier the more I refused. The more I resisted.

His hands touching me as they pleased while I busied my own with unlocking the door.

The pressure on my body as he leaned on me. The pressure of fear in my chest that never went away completely.

Him being oblivious to the fact that I was uncomfortable.

Me prying the door open, and running out of the vehicle.

But it was only a second, before his voice broke me from my thoughts.

"What are you doing here?"

Doing my best to keep composure, I looked him in the eye, took a breath, and said "I'm here to see you."

An abrupt chorus of raindrops began falling, soaking the ground one by one. 

"Oh," he said, glancing over at his car. "Do you wanna sit in the car or--oh. Right." 

He chewed on his lip, an impatient look obvious on his face as he waited for me to say something. 

"Why did you do it?" 

He must not have been expecting me to get straight to the point, for his eyes widened at the rather expected question. "What do you mean?" 

"I mean, how did you think in your right mind that it would be acceptable to touch me like that when I made it clear I wasn't ready? Why did you go against my wishes, multiple times? Was it the alcohol? Did I somehow make it seem like I wanted you to make a move on me?"

"I don't know," was his response. "I guess that was part of it." 

"You guess?" 

He let a deep breath out of his nostrils. "The first time...that I tried to make a move on you, I told my brother about it, and how you shut me down." He reached up and scratched his scalp, his embarrassment drawing his gaze away from my eyes. "He told me that you were playing hard to get. He said that you secretly wanted..."

"Sex?" I finished for him.

"Yeah. So he said that taking what you want is what they want. At least that's what's worked for him when girls played hard to get. I guess the alcohol might have given me a little more confidence to actually go through with trying that."

I stood there for a moment absorbing his words, my mouth agape. I didn't know it was until a rain drop ran down the middle of my nose and dropped onto my lip. The perimeters of my eyes grew warm fast as the tears began to build behind them. But that warmth was incomparable to the hear in my lungs that released steaming anger out into the cold air.

"Do you have any idea," I finally spit out, "how much I've thought about that night? Do you know how long I've spent wondering where I went wrong, where I might have sent you the wrong signal? Because I sure as hell don't, I just know that it was a lot! I replayed that night, that moment, countless times in my head!"

He wore a bored expression, though his eyes didn't come near my own.

"I didn't tell anyone for a week. I suffered in silenceand thought it was my fault for a whole week." It didn't fully register in my mind that I was crying up until a cold raindrop ran alongside a falling tear.

"I'm sorry, Millie," he shrugged. "I don't know what else to say."

The already confusing mix of emotions suddenly mixed a whole lot more. "I have stayed up half the night, multiple times, trying to bring myself out of a panic, because I've had random nightmares of you actually getting what you wanted. I'm in love with this amazing, understanding not named Cooper, and even though I know he would never try to hurt me, I'm still terrified of getting into another relationship. I started to starve myself because I didn't know how to process what I was feeling. I let you haunt me for too long." I was full fledged crying by now. "But I'm too tired to keep carrying this. I'm too tired to carry this inside, to hold this all so close to my heart. So I forgive you."

He looked up at me through squinted eyes.

"I forgive you, and I wish you well. I hope that you change, that you become a better person. I hope that you find someone you love, and that you don't make the same mistake, and that you're honest with her. I can't hold this so close to me. So I forgive you."

I couldn't look into his eyes for more than a second. Not out of disgust, but because I could see the hurt, the remorse on his face.

Sometimes it's easier to think of your enemies and perpetrators as shameless wrong-doers. Sometimes it's harder to see their humanity, because that means acknowledging that you yourself could hurt someone in such a way.

That's why it's sometimes so hard to forgive. Hard to let go.

But that single second of our eyes meeting was the thing I kept seeing as I walked home in the rain, pondering everything in my life, all while thinking of nothing.

Until Cooper called.

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