YOURS - A Darshan Raval Fanfiction

Emptiness

"I need to go Tansh. Sorry, but we can't be together", Darshan simply turns me down. "No, please don't go! I promise I'll not come in your way. Just... Stay. Please!", I plead and almost whisper the last part with tears in my eyes. He doesn't budge into this. I kneel down in front of him holding his hands.

"I need you. Please Stay!", I request sobbing hard. He walks away slowly and as he goes far from me his hand leaves mine and suddenly he's not there. I'm all alone crying and pleading. I jerk awake and sit up on my bed breathing hard. It was a dream then, well, a nightmare.

.

I walk out of my room and go to the terrace. Some fresh air would help refill my lungs.
A sudden feel of desire and need possess me. I have to get rid of this desperation. Sometimes the need becomes too much to tolerate. The desperation to close the distance, the need to be beside him, the ache to have him with me - it's a mess.

The pain is too intense that it almost feels physical. I sometimes wish to numb the specific part of my chest where the heart lies. Wish I could rip it off of my ribcage and just take it out of my body to ease the ache.

I don't know how to calm the storm inside me. I don't know how to get rid of this. I'm drowning but I can't find the surface to hold and save me.
There is everything around me but ultimately, there's nothing. There's a hole inside my heart which can't be filled and there's a scar there which can't be healed. Ever.

Sometimes, at such moments, I hate myself. I so hate myself for craving him. I hate this helplessness where I don't know what to do. We're so close yet so damn far. I hate this emptiness where I feel everything and nothing both at once. Where I'm laughing but my heart is cold. The warmth of laughter or smile can't reach there.
Where I'm talking but can't function what. I so want to embrace the people around me, my family - friends, but can't. Something, a fear, a wild desperation keeps me running away from everything.

I've always hated dependence. But with love, I became, actually dependent - unknowingly. It confuses me. A part of me is ready to submit myself, my soul, to him.
But there's another part, the stronger part of me, who doesn't want that and think it as a lack of my self respect and self dependence.

I hate the domination of him, of love, on me and love it as well. This is my screwed up self who is selfish and selfless at once.