A Vida Barco

【4】

【4】

"I wanted to give this to you", Lorraine said and handed me a little box of chocolate with the words Thank you on it.
"I've bought one for everybody in the garage. Because you're all making my son happy", she said.
Her voice was low, and she kept looking anywhere but not in my eyes.

Lorraine and Riley were the only people I wasn't annoyed by. Either because they were something new in that horrible routine I went through every weekend, or it was because their story touched my heart. It really did. Since months I'd been feeling distanced, isolated and wasn't interested in anything. I didn't care about anything. But seeing the little boy Riley jumping around like a normal little kid, although he was so ill really got me emotional. Riley was the exact opposite of me. He loved his life - even though he didn't have much time left - that was what his mum had told me.
And I hated my life. But I had plenty of time left. If I could, I'd swap position with Riley. Immediately.

"It's not much, but I didn't know what else to buy and I couldn't afford -", she stopped.
"That's alright, but to be honest, you shouldn't have", I smiled at her. " That's more than enough. I like it", I said.
Lorraine looked relieved.

We were walking to my car which stood in the pit lane already, next to all the others. The place was busy as always, but this time, it didn't bother me too much.
I was too involved talking to Lorraine and watching Riley, following one of my mechanics to the car. The loud echo of the announcements and music filled the place.

"What is wrong with Riley?", I asked after a while.
"He has leukemia", was the silent answer.
Lorraine didn't look at me.
I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what was appropriate.
Saying something like 'I'm sorry', was probably the most logic, but I felt like it wasn't helpful at all. But was there anything helpful?

"I'm sorry", I muttered. It felt so stupid to say that.
We remained silent for a while. I could see my car already, but when I turned to Lorraine, I saw that she was crying. I haven't heard it since the music and announcements had been so loud.
I was petty over challenged. I hated to see people crying. Just because I was bad at comforting someone. But in addition, I felt responsible since it was me who'd brought up this topic.

"God", was all I managed to say. I stopped and hugged her, which felt strange since I didn't know her for long and we practically were strangers. I realized that we stood in people's ways, but I couldn't help it.
"I'm sorry", Lorraine sighed after a while as she pulled back. She looked at the huge NAPA sign on my chest.
"I made your firesuit wet", she sobbed while she opened her bag and started rummaging around in it.
"Really, I'm sorry, I...", she sniveled, but I stopped her.
"Actually, I'm sorry. I brought up the topic with Riley and - "
Her eyes were watering again. I made it even worse.
I pulled her aside a bit, closer to the green. My look rove over the track and the filling seats while I was trying to find the right words.
"It's not that", Lorraine gasped after a while.

"It's just...", she looked at Riley who was looking at the car of mine.
"My son will die, but I've kind of accepted this fact already, it's just - there are so many things Riley wants to experience before his death, but I can't make these things possible. See, I'm thirty, I'm a waitress in a diner and a cleaner, but still, we don't have enough money"

I sighed. What could I say?
"He's experiencing something good right now, isn't he?", I asked.
She nodded.
"But I guess this will be the only thing"
She'd calmed down a bit and dried her eyes with a handkerchief.
"What's with his dad? Can't he help? Financially?"

Her eyes got big, but they were full of disgust.
"The coward of a dad killed himself because he thought he couldn't handle all this. He committed suicide to escape his problems", she snapped, but not directly at me. Her voice sounded hateful.

At that moment, I knew what to do. Riley's dad wanted to escape his problems. My life wasn't a problem actually, but I wanted to escape from it. And now I knew how. The idea was a big idea, and I didn't know whether I could really do it, but it gave me some hope. It was an option. A very very very small option. I didn't know whether I'd dare it. But there was a slight chance. It might be too big for me to do it. But I had it in the back of my mind.

"I see, you don't know what to say, I messed it up, sorry", Lorraine snuffled.
I snapped back to reality.

"No, no, no", I hectically said.
"I'm just impressed by the way you take care of Riley"
Lorraine looked at me. She looked even worse. Not only worn out, but now she looked like a wreck.
I should be looking like this, I thought. She was such a good woman. Her heart was in the right place.

"Listen", I said and pulled her even closer  to the grass, away from the big crowd.
"I'm not good at things like that and I barely know you, but: You're a good mum. I can see that from the way you're acting and talking about Riley. You want the best for him and work your ass off for him. It doesn't matter how much you actually can afford - Riley has something loads of children don't have, and that's mothers love and - ", I abruptly stopped.

Man. Since when was I so corny?
"Well, what I want to say is: You're doing everything right. And I'm admiring you for that."

It felt strange to talk like this. First, because I sucked at comforting someone. Second, because I'd been so distanced the past few weeks, even months - it felt strange saying so many nice words all of a sudden. Third, because Lorraine was much older than I was, she was thirty, and I was trying to make her feel better with corny words.

She just looked at me and Riley, who'd been climbing into my car in the meantime.

All of a sudden, she hugged me.
"Those were very wise words. Thank you very much", she quietly said into my ear.
As we peeled away from each other, she had a huge grin on her face, which made her instantly look better.

"To be honest, I've no clue about Nascar - but I wish you all the best for the race and I'll be watching, in the future, too", she said proudly.
I laughed slightly.
"That's nice to know", I said.

The pre-race ceremony started. During the anthem, I got carried away with my thoughts. Mainly, because I could end my life, too. So easily in the next three hours.

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