A Vida Barco

[ 11 ]

Hey, here's Chapter 11, I hope you like it! If you have any feedback, let me know!

[11]

I woke up at 5.

With a feeling I couldn't describe. A feeling of emptiness. There was nothing. No good thoughts, no bad thoughts, no doubts, no joy.

Just me and my empty head.

It was ironic, me, getting up at five, working out.
As if that was important today.
But if I wanted to appear normal, I had to do normal things.

Was it normal for me to work out at 5? It wasn't my daily routine, but possible.

On that day, I felt like everything that I did had no point.

The practice session today wouldn't matter. At least not for me.
The press conference wouldn't matter.
Nothing mattered, except that I'd catch my plane tonight.

I felt like a empty body wandering through the garages.
Looking in empty faces. People had withdrawn from me and I didn't mind. Actually, that was good.
This way, I wouldn't overthink things.

I ignored everyone when I got into the garage, as far as I could.
When I got into the car, I tried to enjoy my last time.
At first, it didn't work. At first, it was as usual.
But when I put my helmet on, I felt one last spark.
Just as the first time that I had climbed into the cup car.

I rolled out of the garage. Enclosing my fingers around the wheel. I felt how sweaty my hands were underneath the gloves. When I made it over the yellow line, I hit the gas. The engine roaring filled my ears, the vibrations shook me in the seat while the straps held me tight in there. I tried to feel everything. Every movement. I felt the heat rise in my body. I could smell the typical smell.

I felt the g forces pressing me down in the seat even further as I took the first turn, the second turn, the third turn - and I felt adrenaline. The thing that I had lost years ago.

I tried to get closer to the wall. I felt the adrenaline boost even further.
Just a little closer.
The next lap. I could get even closer.

And then I felt a hit.

'fuck' I thought, snapping back to reality, immediately back to business.
I heard my spotter guiding me down back to pit road.

"I'm sorry", I said via radio.
I put the window net down as I rolled back to the garages, swallowing as I got closer to my garage.

Actually, I shouldn't mind. I was gone tomorrow.
But I saw my boss standing in the garage, talking to my crew chief.
And for somehow, that did hit me.

When I switched the engine off, I took my time with taking my helmet off, and as I placed it back on the dashboard I saw Alan coming towards me, poking his head in.

"Don't worry about what he's going to say. We'll get them tomorrow", he said quietly.

I nodded. I felt a lump in my throat building.
'Dont be a fool' I told myself.
I didn't have to care anymore. And I didn't care whether I just had disappointed my team or not.
"We'll get them tomorrow, don't worry", I heard his voice again and I looked up, feeling a tear rolling down my cheek.

Was I crying?
"Chase"
I couldn't look at him as I felt even more tears.
"Sorry", I said, taking a deep breath.
"We'll get them tomorrow", I lied, forcing a weak smile.

"There are no cameras right now. If you hurry, you can make it out without being seen"

I nodded thankfully as I squeezed out of the car, my thoughts a mess. Even though there were no cameras, I felt like everyone was looking at me.
When I passed the fans watching the garages, I wiped away the tears that were left and tried to straighten up my posture.

I needed to be on my own, and I was walking fast.
So fast that I didn't see the man standing in my way.
"Chase!", I heard him call for me, as I brushed past him after having shoulder bumped him.
I turned around, it was Ryan, standing there between all those people, looking at me.

He obviously wanted something from me.
"Not now", I shook my head, turning around again. In the corner of my eye I saw him following me at first, before a kid stopped him for an autograph.
My used to best friend seemed to be disappointed.

I slammed the door shut behind me, opening the zipper of my firesuit.
I fell on the couch, taking a deep breath.
Now it was over. My last time in the car. Probably the last time I had seen Ryan. And that memory wasn't a nice one. I felt like there was something not right between us.
Of course it wasn't. But was it right leaving him like that? And my parents?
I had made that decision when I had bought the house in Koh Lipe.

The silence in my trailer nearly killed me.
I grabbed a pencil and a piece of paper and did what I had to do, anyways.

••√••

Dear Mum, Dear Dad,

I've opened up to you about how I feel towards racing. At least to dad.
Well, no one understood the way I feel, and I don't do understand myself.

All I know is that I cannot go on living this life.
I love you both very much and I want you to know that it'll always be like that.
I want you both to go on with your lifes as if nothing had happened.
There's nothing you could've done.
Please never consider thinking all this was your fault. It wasn't.
It's all been my decision.

I love you both so much, even though it might have not always looked like this.

I regret not showing you both my love enough.
You're great parents and you'll always be. 

I wish I could explain you how I feel , mum and dad, but I can't. There's nothing that would make you understand.

The only thing that I want you guys to know is that this hasn't been your fault.
I want you to go on and to remember that I'll always be with you, I'll keep you in my heart and I know that you'll keep me in your hearts as well.

God knows what will happen after death, but I'm sure I'll be accompanying you.

I've paid my electricity and water bills, so don't worry about that.
I'm sorry for being a bother now with my stuff.
Maybe you can sell it. Or do something good by donating it.

I love you.

Chase