Valdangelo/Leico - Let It Go

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN - Elias' letter.

-- POV Leo Valdez --

C H A P T E R 18

I don’t know why I said the weird thing in Spanish to Nico. It felt like another person took possession of my body and said it. And yeah, what I just said is a lie. I regret nothing.

Nico is asleep and we are sleeping in separate beds. I can’t sleep and I don’t know why. Even when I close my eyes, I feel totally awake. I guess I can just walk around for a bit, in that case.

I get up and look at Nico. He seems so peaceful and innocent like that. I smile slightly and kiss his forehead. He groans in his sleep and I remove my lips because I don’t want to trouble his sleep.

I walk around and I don’t know what to do. It’s only 4AM and school starts at 9AM. I still have 5 hours left, and Nico won’t wake up until his alarm rings in three hours. Suddenly, I remember that I have something to do. Octavian and I are planning something; it’s a surprise for Nico. I have time to do it while he is asleep.

Octavian and I are planning a party for my one month anniversary with Nico. I know I don’t seem like it, but I am actually a really romantic person. I want roses, slow music, beautiful lights and candles for the party. I’ll only invite my close friends because I know that Nico doesn’t like big parties.

I open Nico’s wardrobe because I think he have papers and pens in it. I don’t see them so I start moving some clothes because maybe they are under them. After one minute, I still don’t have a pen and I am going to give up when I notice something in the corner of the wardrobe. It seems like paper so I grab it. I look at it more carefully and I realize that it is a letter. Curious, I turn it around to see who wrote it and I almost drop the letter. I read four letters written in a neat and clean handwriting: Nico.

I am even more curious because of that. Maybe Nico has another lover? I don’t think so, but I still want to read this weird letter that he hid in the corner of his wardrobe…

Suddenly, I get it. A letter with Nico’s name on it, hidden somewhere he can’t see it. The person who wrote this is obviously his old best friend; Elias. I really want to open it, but I know that I shouldn’t. Nico really loved Elias and he still thinks that it is his fault that he died. Maybe all the answers to his questions are in this letter. Only Nico has the right to open it.

Why do I still want to read it, then? Nico would never forgive me for doing that.

But he doesn’t have to know, a darker side of me whispers in my mind.

Oh, shut up, myself, I reply.

If I open the letter, Nico will probably notice and I will feel bad. But at the same time, I really want to know what’s in it. I have to admit, I am a little bit jealous of Elias. Even if he’s dead, Nico seems to love him more than he loves me. That is probably not true, but I still have this feeling every time he talks about him. Whoa, I can be so selfish sometimes…

I slowly try to open the letter, using a technique that won’t leave traces. I immediately feel bad, but I continue. Finally, after a few minutes of struggling, because I obviously don’t want to know that I read Elias’ letter, I carefully take out a paper. It smells like lavender.

I start to read it:

Dear Nicky,

I don’t really know what to write. That is probably the last time I write a letter in my life, and I wanted it to be for you.

If you are reading this, it means I am dead. I don’t want you to feel guilty. It’s not your fault. You made me sad sometimes, I have to admit that, but I didn’t kill myself because of what you said to me. I wasn’t happy anymore. All my smiles were fakes and, even at home, it didn’t go well. Mom and Dad started to fight. Older guys beat me at school. I didn’t have anybody to talk to. And all of this just because I like the same gender. Society is shit. I know I never say words like that, but in my last moments, that’s all I can think about. Society ruined me. It destroyed all the happiness that I had. I don't belong here anymore. I had hopes and dreams, but they don't seem possible now.

So, Nicky, please don’t cry for me. In a few years, I will only be part of the past. Don’t think about the bad things you said to me. Think about all the happy memories, the times we laughed for hours, all our inside jokes that made you smile every time. I feel bad for my family and you, because I know I’ll make you sad by killing myself; but I just can’t live like this anymore. I hate to breathe, I hate to wake up in the morning and thinking ‘another day in my pitiful life’; I just hate to live now. If I had to be selfish only one time in my life, it’s going to be now.

You are my dearest friend and you’ll always be. I’m going to make sure that you have a great and happy life if I become an angel. Don’t worry, I won’t come back to haunt you, because I know how much you hate ghosts.

I hope that in the future, people will be more open-minded. I really wish that I was the last person to kill myself because of homophobia, but honestly, I don’t think I will be. Like I said earlier, society is shit, and it won’t change without a little help.

Finally, I wanted to say something to you before I die. Today, when we were sitting on that bench and you said something terrible to me, I understood why. It’s, again, because of society. But before the bullies arrived, I wanted to tell you something. I wanted to say it to you since I first met you.

I love you, Nicky. You are the one that made me realize that I like guys. Everything in you is perfect; your eyes, your hair, the way you smile; everything. I will miss you, even in heaven. I know you didn’t feel the same, but I still wanted you to know.

If we see each other again, I hope it’ll be in a long time. Live a long and happy life, Nicky. Enjoy it.

With all my love,

Eli :)

xxx

I stared at the smiley face for almost five minutes without blinking. I wanted to scream and sob at the same time. I shouldn’t have read that letter. It was way too personal. I feel so bad; I want to throw it away and run. At the back of the paper, there is a picture of Nico and Elias when they were eight years old. They were both smiling; it was a real smile, full of happiness. Elias had his head on Nico’s shoulder and he was blushing slightly.

I don’t feel jealous at all. I just feel sad. A tear rushes down my cheek when I hear a voice saying:

“Leo, what are you doing?”

——————

GUYS I AM SORRY FOR THE CLIFFHANGER AND FEELS AND EVERYTHING

I feel so sad for Elias…Even if I wrote this fic, aha.

By the way, @TWMariana101 and I posted the prologue of our fanfic on @TheFabHusbands; go check it out and comment what you think :D xx

Oh, and I am writing an Attack on Titan fanfic now (about Ereri) and I posted the first chapter a few days ago :3

I will update more often now! I love you all my darlings!