Conversations with my thirteen year old self...
It's only a year's difference, but a lot of stuff happens in a year. You dump a boy, get back together, and break back up. You lose friends, and gain none. You're on your own in the world, and you get a job just so you can make yourself get by, only when you're fourteen years old and starting highschool. The rage and bitterness inside of you just boils and festers until you can't take it anymore, and you destroy everyone in your path. And it makes you smile, pushing people down. You don't mean to be this way, but you are just giving them what they gave you. Taylor has hit you and screamed at you multiple times, yes? Jamie always made fun of you and how you talk. Danny hurt you, so you hurt him by reminding him of an awful truth. Don't be remorseful, you did the right thing leaving Savanna all alone and friendless. You did right, don't let that dark fire inside of you die.
You're angry, I know this.
The world couldn't care less.
You're lonely, I feel this.
And you wish you were the best.
You're so angry, so pissed off, so messed up, in so much pain. You don't know where to turn or where to go. You wish she'd get the message, but she just ruined it by thinking she was your friend. She has no other friends, people don't like her and are afraid of her. You're so lonely, because you have no friends. You didn't scare them off, they left you. They left you for others, and now they see what you can do. You fight back, you punch and hit. You almost knocked Haley to the ground, how do you forgive yourself? You wish people still recognized your talent, but it's only the teacher's pets that are noticed, never the kids that put their heart and soul (and money) into things.
No teachers, or guidance.
And you always walk alone.
You're crying at night
when nobodyelse is home.
No teachers notice you anymore, and guidance isn't helping. Just take the pills, please you won't regret it, it will help you! Why don't you listen to me, I'm you and you're me. You walk down the halls alone, either left there or trying to get away from people. You want no company, you want no more friends. You just want to disappear. You cry when our parents are gone and the boys are upstairs playing video games. You can wail all you want, and no one will notice.
Come over here and let me
hold your hand and
hug you darling.
I promise you that it won't
always feel this bad.
I want to hug you and be your friend, I want to tell you how much you have waiting. I promise you'll find friends, but I know you wouldn't listen, because you're too busy planning to rid your hands of old friends. Danny was a real bastard, I know. Jamie, well I don't need to spell it. Taylor isn't very forgiving dear. Haley won't get the message, it may take a while. I'm sorry to say you'll lose Lauren, and you most likely won't stay in touch. I promise, you find other friends, better friends who really care about you and your thoughts. They accept you and your beliefs, I promise girlie.
There are so many things
I want to say to you.
You're the girl I used to be.
You little heartbroken,
thirteen year old me.
You were so heartbroken when Alan asked you to lie about something. Something important. Was he mad? You weren't treated so well by his friends after that. But he still loves you, I don't think he'll ever forget the girl who saw his true side. You may find that guys will come to like you. Unfortunately that comes after the anorexia, the treatments, the whitening, and no more braces. You grow your hair out while everyone else chops theirs off. You just can't seem to fit in, I know it's hard. Trying to catch that one boy's eye, but I'll tell you that you just give up.
