Dear Future Self..

04/11/18

I'm sitting around, with nothing to live for. I cry my eyes out every time I look at him. I know what he'll say, I know what he'll do, which only makes me worry for his safety, and also mine. Maybe this world wasn't meant for me, Maybe I wasn't meant for this world. However so, I'm here and, unfortunately, I matter.

If you don't know me, good, those are my intentions. Trust me if you knew my life you would be terrorized by my reputation and my manner. Most call me fat, stupid, ugly, mean, and dumb and in reality, it's all true. Nothing out of those lines are over exaggerated, but luckily, I'm lucky. I have a the best friend a girl could have but.. the "good" news is my family is moving which means.. I have to too.

The truth of the matter is, my "love" life, not the... best. He was my first love, my only REAL love actually. He made me feel safe, and subtle. Moving meant that I had to break up with him, his reaction hurt me the worst. He begged me not to, he pleaded that I shouldn't but, I personally couldn't do long distant relationships especially since he is twenty and I am my age. For my own selfish reasons my mom knew about him, longer than he knew she knew, but that was for my own reasons and precautions. He was going to move with us, out of state, until he could be on his feet and closer but, I don't see that happening, which there on, I didn't "need" him to do so.

    Words hurt like knives, piercing into your heart after a breakup, but it's worse if you throw them. Because if you love someone and you're the one that has to let them go, it's obvious you really didn't want to but have to. But in my case I knew I had to, for my own health and my own insanity. Does that make me selfish? If I break up with them because I can't take long distance and I knew he loved me so? Am I a horrible human being if I left him, where he was standing, in his home, next to his niece that loves me, and his mom that finally started to like me?

     Who knew things would turn up like this. Who knew the world could turn upside down and leave me falling in the sky where I rapidly and fast like hit my death, and depression. You might be reading this and think that I'm over saying this, that I'm just upset over a breakup. No... and I'll prove it to you..