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Guide to Performing First Aid

Everyday, people die. It's something that could have been prevented, but wasn't because humanity can't comprehend the meaning of first aid. In this guide, I will show you how to perform first aid on someone.

Step 1: Asking for consent. Many people are very stupid, which is why, if their life is in danger, they will say things like "I'm ok," or "I'm good man, you hear me homie. I'm gucci. YEET." In this case, you can respect their decision even if they have their intestines sticking out. However, that does not mean you should, which is why I am going to let you in on a secret. If they are unconscious, you have implied consent, so beat the crap out of the victim until he passes out. That way, you can save his life!

Step 2: ABC's. This is for when the victim is unconscious. If they are conscious, refer to step 1. Here, you perform your ABC's and start singing the alphabet. This is because the casualty is unconscious, and likely cannot wake up on their own. This is why you must sing them the alphabet in case they have brain damage, so that they will at least know letters when they return to life with the iq of a 2 year old. Repeat this step 3 to 5 times, depending on how much of the alphabet you know. I personally never do this step, because I do not know the song myself.

Step 3: Life saving. Now that you did your ABC's and asked for consent, it is time to move on to the most important step, life saving. Many may tell you that there are many procedures for different situations. Those people are losers, and obviously never studied biology. What you do is you force the body to adapt. Is their bone broken? Force it back into place. Is their head bleeding? Force the wound to close with sheer force. Is their guts sticking out? Force. It. Back. In. This will ensure that they grow stronger after this experience.

Step 4: Getting them to the hospital. As we all know, the government has a conspiracy where they are secretly run by savage leprechauns led by the scottish. This is why 911 is insufficient, and so are hospitals. Instead, take your casualty to your home, and perform any surgery needed there. Make sure you do not get seen by as many people as possible, because the government has spies everywhere ready to take you down. If the casualty is taken to the hospital, then the government will turn them into one of those evil leprechauns. Many may try to stop you, but just remember. The revolution against the green scottish leprechauns will come soon. Jail is only a room. Freedom is forever

Step 5: After you have successfully saved the casualties life, you will now face the final challenge. A lawsuit. The ungrateful casualty will say that you ruined their life by paralyzing them, when you only had a cut on your finger. However, remember what I said in step 1. They were unconscious, therefore, they gave consent to let you save their life. After winning the lawsuit, repeat step 1 everyday, even if they take your medical license. If you fail step 5, then you are just as good as me when it comes to first aid now. Congratulations!