About to miss everything (Kellic)

I'm sorry

I've been having this dream that we can fly, so darling, close your eyes. 'Cause you're about to miss everything.

It had been a few weeks since Vic and I's little meeting in the bathroom. He was quite worried about me, but I continued to pretend nothing was wrong. 

We had went on a few more dates, and it was fun and he was perfect, and everything was great! Well... not really.

Every day felt longer, and longer, and it was almost too much to bear at this point. I felt like I was going to collapse from exhaustion at any point of every day, because no matter how tired I was during the day, I couldn't seem to be able to sleep more than a few hours at night. I was getting worse and worse everyday, and I was so tired.

Though Vic is still worried about me, he seems close to believing I'm feeling better, as I've been acting happy. I'll go out with him, and we will hang out with Jack together, and I plaster a smile on my face even though all I want to do is sit motionless in my bed. I'm so committed to this act that I stole some of my mom's concealer to cover up the dark eye bags hat continue to get worse. If you were to ask Vic or Jack how I was doing, they'd say better than ever, but that couldn't be farther from the truth.

I was on the teetering on the edge of living and dying, and they had no clue, they were about to miss everything.

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Vic was driving me home from school on a Friday, after dropping Jack off, and I was so exhausted. I let out a sigh that was full of sadness and I almost couldn't pretend to be happy anymore. This was getting exhausting and I was at breaking point, I couldn't stop thinking about my death, and how good it would finally feel to just let go. I knew it was selfish but I just couldn't bear it anymore, my arms were tingling, I wanted, no I needed to cut. It was harder not to cut since I had been trying to just act so happy all the time, so I had been cutting deeper and more frequently. I honestly couldn't wait to just be home.

"Kellin we're here," I hear Vic say, shaking me from my thoughts. I looked back at him as I was about to open the car door sidedly getting the urge to do something. "Kellin?" He questions, probably because I've been staring at him for the past few seconds, and I decide to say goodbye.

"Goodbye Vic." I say giving him a kiss on the cheek. He blushed and mumbled a goodbye in return as I walked up to my house. I was glad I had said a proper goodbye to Vic, since I don't know if I plan to be alive on Monday.

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Everything was still the same.

I had been thinking since Vic had dropped me off at my house. Nothing was going to change, what am I waiting for? Nothing! There isn't going to be any changes, I just want it all to be over with. No matter what I do I'm going to feel this way, or worse. 

Fuck, it felt like I was at rock bottom already, there was no way I wanted it to get worse, but I couldn't be so selfish, could I? 

What the fuck am I gonna do? I just want to die, I want to be dead. Nothin ever worked out and I don't deserve anything, I'm just a waste of space, and I deserve to die, so why don't I just do the world a favour.

At this point I'm shaking and tears are leaking out of my eyes, I feel so awful and I want to die so bad, but I need a note. I go and grab some paper and a pen and begin to work. 

I'm sorry,

Please forgive me, I just can't 

Is all I can write befor breaking into sobs, he page is covered in tears and the pen is smudged, it's such a mess, I'm a mess.