About to miss everything (Kellic)

Doing things I'm not supposed to

Cause you don't even know you're an angel, foolish am I for the times I come and go. These stars defy love, so I close my eyes and sleep inside your worn-in bed outline

The therapist was nice, really. It's just that she couldn't offer me any help as I wasn't going to let her. I know she probably will see me as fit to be institutionalized if I were to tell her all my thoughts.

Today she was just asking me basic things about myself and I could tell Vic had told her about the things I did because she didn't even try to ask me about self harm or suicidal thoughts. I answered her questions, not really putting much focus in on to what she was saying, I had more important things to think about.

The main thing that was taking up my thoughts was how I was going to cut. Jack and Vic for sure were going to want to check, or at least ask how I'm doing. I'm going to have to get better at lying and better at hiding. I guess I'm back to cutting my hips and then lying my way out of getting them checked.

Jack is waiting outside the building as I leave, which is a surprise to me. He smiles and waves when he sees me and I wave back and sit in the passenger seat.

"How was it?" He asks, and it hits me he's probably only here to get me to talk to him about my feelings, or to prevent me from doing anything stupid.

"It was ok, she was nice."

"That's good, and Kellin?" He says looking over at me briefly, before turning back to the road.

"Yes?" I question, I don't know what he is going to say and I can't escape the situation if it's bad.

"I'm really sorry I didn't notice anything. You were hurting for so long and I ignored all the signs. I should have been there for you. I just," he pauses, taking a short breath and I can see the tears in his eyes as he composes himself. "I should have been there, and I'm eternally sorry Kellin. I shouldn't have let you get this bad."

I can barely look at him with the massive amount of guilt that has rested in my chest. I can't believe I made my friend feel this way. Seeing tears rush down his face again makes me feel awful. I can't believe I did this, I should have killed myself that night, I can't believe I would be so selfish to Jack and Vic.

"I'm so sorry." I almost whisper, looking anywhere other than Jack.

"No Kellin, fuck don't you get it!" He sighs exasperatedly, running a hand roughly through his hair. He pulls over to where my house is and as I'm about to leave he locks the doors, leavin me no choice but to listen.

"You are such an idiot, I didn't say that to make you feel bad. I said that because I care! Please tell me you know that, right?" He pleads, and I almost believe him, almost.

"Yeah I do." I whisper, looking straight ahead, speaking complete lies to my best friend.

"Thank god," he breathes and unlocks the car. "Have a good night Kellin, and call me or text if you need, and please don't do anything stupid, ok?" I can hear the worry in his voice, but he doesn't really care, he only is doing it because he doesn't want to feel responsible.

"Yeah, don't worry." I say easily, but lying feels like utter shit and exiting the car I can feel the atmosphere get heavier with each step.

I'm a dirty liar, I lied to those most important to me. I'm an awful person, I deserve the worst, I can't believe people put up with a piece of shit like me. I don't do anything right and I should have just killed myself when I had the chance.

With ugly thoughts swarming my head I stumble to my bathroom and grab a blade which luckily no one had gotten rid of. Bringing it too my hip I carve into it leaving cuts on each. None of them are too deep, making me slightly sad, but they are deep enough to calm the thoughts slightly.