About to miss everything (Kellic)

Chapter 4: Oh fuck

If they, if they really knew all of those things that you do in your room to hide the pain, I bet their minds would change

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Pain is something I'm used to. It has now just became a dull ache that never leaves. It's as if someone put ankle weights on me, and by now I'm just used to it. If someone were to take those off I wouldn't know what to do with myself so I'd put them back on.

That's what's happening with Vic. It's been a day and a half since he said that he really likes me. That made me feel as if the ache was gone, but I know it wasn't. It is still with me and always will. The small bit of happiness he made me feel was strange and unwanted. I can't feel happy because I don't deserve it. I deserve pain and suffering, and me being around Vic is only going to bring him down with me. I can't, I could never do that to Vic. He means way too much to me.

Oh shit. He means something to me. That's bad. He can't mean something to me. All I'll do is get dependant on him, then when he leaves it'll be all the more heartbreaking. There is only one way to fix all of this.

I go to the washroom with my blade and get in the shower. I take the blade to my arms since they are already bad enough and there is no point in not cutting there. I know I'm getting worse since I normally cared about how much I was cutting, but now it doesn't matter at all to me. I make deep slashes of red all over my arms until I'm satisfied with the amount of blood. Cutting has always been my preferred 'coping mechanism' since it takes my mind off of my problems immediately.

The cuts I made were deep enough that they bled for a long time. When the bleeding slowed I was a little light headed and I exited the shower. Using the same black washcloths as before I bandaged my arms up and out a sweater on top. I was so mentally drained that I fell asleep almost instantly.

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I woke up that morning feeling like shit. The cuts on my arms throbbed and I was dead tired. I looked at my phone for the time seeing I had a text message from Vic from 11 minutes ago.

"Wanna hang out sometime today?"

I completely forgot I gave him my number Thursday and now feel bad for not texting more. Though I was tired and not emotionally ready to be with anyone today, I'm sure it couldn't hurt for me to actually be social for once. So I text him back.

"Sure, where and when?"

I wait for him to text back by getting ready. It hurts to peel off the rags but it is kind of enjoyable. Wow ok Kellin, didn't think you were that fucked up. I know that thinking that pain is the solution isn't going to work, but I can't help myself.

I hear my phone beep so I go check to see if it's Vic.

"I can pick you up in 10 minutes and we can go for lunch?"

"Sounds good"

"Ok, see you then."

I shut off my phone and hurry getting ready. I only have 10 minutes and I need to at least look presentable.

After rushing around the house trying to get ready, Vic sends a text saying he is outside. I put my shoes and sweater on, then head outside.

"Hi." I say as I get in the passenger seat of his car.

"How's it going?" He replies as he starts to pull away from the curb.

"The same as always." I answer vaguely, knowing that I have the tendency to overshare about my feelings a lot.

"And that is?"

"Kinda tired and feeling indifferent. How are you?"

"Great now that your here."