About to miss everything (Kellic)

Trying

Stay alive, stay alive for me. You will die, but now your life is free. Take pride in what is sure to die.

I was hanging out with Jack and Vic at Vic's house. Vic was strumming a guitar and sitting on his Kitchen floor while Jack and I were sat on his counter. I still wasn't functioning well from the past week but I was enjoying my Sunday afternoon listening to Vic play soft music.

Jack had his arm slung around my shoulders, sipping coffee as he listened to Vic with me. I sighed in content, holding on to the feeling with everything in me, I barely ever got to feel like this.

I let my mind wander, feeling safe in this environment. I wanted to try the exercises my therapist wanted me to do. She said that if I could think of one good thing, then I knew life was worth living. I'm not sure if I believe her, but it's still worth a try.

I think of sunsets and stars, about all the wonderful things nature has to offer. I think of pies and cakes and all the foods that I've never tried. I think of Vic and Jack, and how much time we have left together. Then I think of myself, and my death, and how much I could miss. There would be no more flowers, no more cake, no more Vic, or Jack, and especially no more me.

It's easy to think that I don't deserve it, and that the world would be so much better off without me, but so many other things are terrible, and they are still alive.

It doesn't seem fair, to rid the world of something, when there is so many things that should be rid of and aren't. Why am I so terrible that I deserve to be taken out?

The small voice in my brain says because I'm awful, and corrosive. Every second I'm on earth I'm corrupting it. The only way the world can be pure is if I rid myself of it.

I feel the tears start to come, but I push them down with a deep breath. I feel Jacks arm tighten around my shoulders and I look up at him and smile. He nods and we both fall back into our separate worlds.

I wonder what Jack thinks of, maybe he's thinking about nothing, maybe Vic's playing, maybe about boobs, who knows? Certainly not me.

This shoots me down another path, all the things that I wouldn't know. If I had killed myself the other day, or before none of these things would of happened. I wouldn't have met Vic, I wouldn't have kissed Vic, I wouldn't have got to talk with Jack about his insomnia, I wouldn't be here listening to guitar music and thinking about the past. I would have missed so much, just because of one decision.

Thinking about all of this made my brain hurt, but I knew I had to think about it. Killing yourself is a huge deal, and there is so much that goes into it. What I would miss, what my family and friends would think, if I'm being selfish, and if I care if I'm being selfish or not. Those were all huge questions running through my head.

Vic stops playing for a bit bringing me out of my thoughts. He looks up at me and Jack while smiling before repositioning his hand and beginning to play a familiar tune.

"Now the night, is coming to an end." He began, causing me to smile back and Jack to grin and softly sing along to Vic.

"The Sun will rise and we will try again." We sung, causing me to start to tear up slightly but continue singing. The song had such a deep meaning that made me so emotional.

When the song was over Vic continued playing going from song to song as we sung along, but the small piece of hope I felt when he sung that song stuck with me, and I held on to it.

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"How have you been?" Jack asks as he is driving me home from Vic's house.

"I've been better since that night." I said, causing him to smile.

"That's good, I don't want you feeling like that, you don't deserve it." He says and I want to say he's wrong but I don't, my therapist said I should try to listen to people's compliments more, so I plan on trying it.

"Thank you, it means a lot." I say, biting my tongue as I really want to say I do deserve it. Jack smiles at this and turns back to the road.

"You really are trying aren't you?" He asks me, taking me a little of guard.

"Yeah I am." I answer, before continuing. " I really don't want to live like this, and I guess the only way to not live like that is to try and make it better, right?"

"Right." He says, patting me on the shoulder and pulling into my driveway. "I'm proud of you man."

"Me too." I say, getting out of the car and walking into the house with the same sense of calm from earlier.

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Hey guys sorry for taking so long, I came out as trans and it didn't go the way I thought so I needed some time off to get out of feeling like crap. Thanks for sticking with me if you have. I'm sorry for a crappy chapter, I hope it's okay.

Enjoy some positivity^