roommates » joshler [book #2]

eight » plastic

"a party," says josh, arms full of discarded cups and various trash, "was a terrible idea."

"tell me about it," tyler agrees. "who though of it anyway?"

josh smiles to himself and doesn't remind tyler that it was his suggestion. "at least we got to see our friends again. it made me realize how long it's been."

"honestly!" tyler nods empathetically. "i mean, i had a pretty fun time, all things considered."

that's good, at least. josh is still thinking about seeing gerard in the bathroom. the craze in his eyes, the eagerness, the way his hands shook when he gripped the sink. it's been so long since he's had a hit, a single line, and yet just seeing the substance made his heart jitter as if he'd just had a whole bag. even now, he can't get his mind off of it. it consumes him, to the point where he'd do anything to take his mind off it.

but he can't. he's sober, or trying to be. mostly. alcohol's still okay. (then he's not sober. what's the word? drug-free?)

tyler's off in his own world again, humming to himself with eyes half-closed as he keeps cleaning, mindlessly, not caring about anything, really, and josh has never felt quite so envious.

he just... he doesn't know what it feels like to not think. his mind has been on overdrive for the past few months, gears whizzing and whirring as he cycles through everything he's been through. every little memory, every little mistake. he can't forget. 

and it's not like-- well, he sort of hopes it's not like tyler's moved on. sure, he would love for both of them, or at least one of them, to put the past behind them and move forward, but... but josh just can't. he can't sleep, not well, anyway. too many sleepless nights consumed by his restless brain clocked into hyperspeed, going two hundred miles an hour. 

now another obsession has been added to his repertoire. 

he stills sees the fine granules of white powder in his mind. still remembers the itchy feeling of them flecked around his nose, the rush and craziness as they shot through his head. the tinny clicks of the razor blade against the porcelain sink, chopping the mass up into thin white lines.

thin white lines... the ones on their sink. the ones on tyler's skin, fading but still there. they're old now, months old, and most have faded to a color a few shades darker than tyler's skin, but some remain stretched and white, a slight dip versus the rest of his arm.

it hurts josh to think about, but he fixates on it nonetheless.

sometimes, on really bad nights, he wishes he had scars like that too. ones you could see. ones on his skin, rather than his mind. because when it's invisible like this, no one understands. oh, sympathy is offered, don't get him wrong, but it's... it feels hollow. empty. like they don't really know, and he prays to god that they never will.

because josh went through hell, and he didn't come out of it kicking, but more like... crawling. dragging himself. a pathetic, twisted up shell of what he'd started out as.

and he can't even fathom how to start untwisting himself now.

"josh," tyler says, and he snaps out of it. there's a plastic bag (flecked with white, he can see the residue, it's there and if he swipes his finger he can muster up enough for one line-- no, he blinks, and it's clean) twisted around his hands, fingertips ripping the material. "hey. you alright?" he smiles faintly to punctuate his question, knowing josh is never really alright.

"i guess," josh mumbles, and uncurls the bag from around his fingers. they're red from where he'd strained them into the plastic. 

tyler twists his mouth to chew on the inside of his cheek, looking slightly worried. "how was the party for you?"

terrible. a reminder of everything he's tried to repress and push away. a key twisting into his locked drawer of bad memories. 

"pretty fun," he says instead.

tyler's face clears into another smile. "we should have another one soon."

"awesome." josh's voice is hollow, his smile forced, his hands starting to sweat from the thought of another encounter like... like he'd had. 

he's held himself back once, and look how he is now.

a second time? he won't stand a chance.

a/n: owo i'm never gna update this on a regular schedule am i