boys like boys ✔ luwoo

|3|

|| Kim Jungwoo ||

Sasung and Injoon waited for me by the green double doors of the school entrance as usual. My slow walking slowly turned into a jog so I wouldn't keep them waiting. Sasung opened a water for me immediately. "Did you sleep well?" His voice concerning yet soft. I nod slowly and accept the water. "Okay, good. Injoon and I need to tell you something."

Talks with them sounded like an intervention without the professional present. They were always telling me the deal with my parents wasn't my fault as if I already didn't know that. I'm just the pond they use to stay together. Apparently I'm not doing a good job.

I followed them to the cafeteria where we always hang until the bell rung. They seemed shady as ever today which made me uncomfortable. I itch when I'm nervous. "Can you both just say something already!" I shout as they stare at me like I was slowly beginning to not exsist.

"Injoon," Sasung nudged his elbow off the table causing him to jolt upward. "You start it off."

"It was your idea!" Injoon muttered through clenched teeth. I sat back and watched them argue back and forth like lunatics. "You always make me do the dirty work."

"It's not dirtyㅡ"

I got up from my chair to leave them to their fit, but a group of boys and one girl made me turn back around. The last thing I wanted was for them to see my face. Injoon and Sasung took notice of that and offered to go somewhere else. I turned down that opportunity before taking my seat.

"We're very worried about you," Sasung finally admitted. "We think you shouldn't go home tonight." I thought the same thing but couldn't voice that. Letting them know how I really feel just never seemed right. They'd probably leave with all my secrets like everyone else did. "My mom told me she saw your mother walking out the store with a whole bag of Soju. So was she drunk last night?" All I could do was stare at the empty spot on the table in front of me.

It felt as if the group was getting closer and closer until I could see them sitting a table over from us. My mind couldn't help but wonder who all were in that group since I only took a glance. So I peeked over my shoulder and saw, in fact, it was Taeyong with his usual friends. No surprise the new kid was talking to them. Taeyong was the first to get a hold of him. Make him think they were best friends when really he just needed to expand his dirty work options.

"Jungwoo?" Injoon knocked on the table which resulted in my attention. "You're not even worried about yourself?"

"I didn't say that—"

"Was your mom drunk last night, yes or no? Did she and your dad argue or fight? Tell us what happened so we can help you." Injoon was really going off on me. It was kind of embarrassing how he sat here and acted as if he was my father or my older brother because my father surely wouldn't sit and have this talk with me. "I know what you're thinking. What the hell can we possibly do about your situation? And the answer is nothing except the fact that we can lessen it. You come to my house and you don't have sit through that."

"Nothing happened last night. I actually came home to her sleeping and my dad doing work on his computer. It was this feeling of happiness, you know?" They didn't. They knew I was lying. "But you guys have no reason to worry about me. It's bad for your heart and it'll make me feel like I'm only dragging you down." I finally chipped away at the top layer of my nail allowing it to fall to the floor.

Injoon just shook his head before getting up to go. Sasung looked at me like I was terminally ill. They take my lies in their mouth just to chew them up and spit them out. I don't know why I can't just be open with them like I am to myself. I'm not even sure why I can't trust them. But I really can't trust anyone. It hurts to even try.

Now since I'm here alone my mood doesn't feel the same. It's weird because I know the moment I feel like complete shit about myself people leave me. But that only happens to me.

It reminds me of a small banquet I was invited to by Sasung. Nayoung made a mistake but everyone still loved her.

Taeil fitted nicely in his clothes, so did the new guy and Taeyong. Nayoung was even wearing that black dress she spilled red wine on at the banquet for succeeding students. I was there by one guest invite. Sasung was there because he actually deserved to have a seat in one of the white silk slips that dressed the chair. It made everything look so elegant. Except for that one red stained slip.

Everyone turned to her, wondering what was she going to do about it. Would she pay for it? Act like she didn't do it? Blame it on a waitress? Nope. She used her napkin to dab at the stain getting as much liquid off as she could. I'll never forget that moment. How Taeyong smiled at her afterwards.

"I'm Wong Lucas," a hand darted in front of my face as if it was a popup. I had no choice but to turn my head to the right just so I could see the culprit. "We live in the same condominium." And then he gives me a smile that's so genuinely sweet yet radiated his bashful tone. Something that I only see in the halls or on TV. For a split moment I wanted to smile back, but then I saw his entire table eyeing the both of us down.

Every now and then, I would wear a fake smile; my mother once told me nobody would want to be with a depressed guy. They found it disheartening and sufferable just to know their other couldn't be happy. But how can one smile when every moment of their short life is followed by another moment of rejecting judgment.

I had to gather everything I wanted to say and replace it with what I had to say to prove everyone wrong. I had to prove that I had feelings, and that staring down at me like I'm lacking importance hurts just as bad as knowing words of myths are being told behind my back.

"Uhm, well it's nice to meet—"

"They'll tell you to be yourself and then they judge you." I found myself confidently pouring out all the words. It's something I've been wanting to tell Taeyong and Nayoung for the longest. Damn me for scolding the wrong person.

"Excuse me, what?" he replies with an eyebrow raised and his smile wiped from the face of the earth. The feeling has changed again, this time I forced it to.

I smiled. Radiating the happiness that didn't exist within me. Like a fool, this Lucas kid smiled back. Maybe he would take it as a mistake or understand where I'm coming from. Or maybe he'd leave awkwardly and tell his friends exactly what came out of my mouth. The last option is what I want. I needed them to know. I'll never forgive them.