The Clouds and the Stars

Untitled Part 34

A little brush off from poetry for a while. I need somewhere to rant. somewhere my thoughts would go unheard. Somewhere i can shout aloud and no one would here my cries... This would be a good place =). Life really is whirling with the wind these days. With my stresses of school, love, friendships and etc thundering through it all and hopes, dreams, and procrastination at the center. There's people. Other people. I hate upsetting them, even if i don't even know his/her name. Now, let alone with all of those I care for dearly... Their wounds would strike a 10000x back at me. Letting them down is just one thing...'cause no matter how good i'd do, They'd always want great. No matter how hard i try to tell them, "I'm here", They block out the words. I'm a ghost boy. Nothing i do can change that. I might never get to be courageous enough to stand out from the crowd, or even say i matter. I'm trying to figure it out... Is it my fault or theirs? Are they the ones who are selfish, or am i the selfish self-centered wannabe i am? Mine. Definitely. Seclusion comes as an alternative. To keep away from others. Just so I won't hurt them or myself in any emotionally fatal way. But all these thoughts, they're just bugging me, tearing into me like starved canines into a shrapnel of food, like crows ripping their way through a lunchbox, like an unstoppable monster tearing out limb after limb to appease it's appetite. Like hunger. Me ranting about myself just makes me feel selfish. But then again, when will i ever make a sound? Window after window, I break through the thickest glass to get my way back to happening, the now. But now there's wall-thick barrier in front of me, and no matter how hard i try, it refuses to break. I watch everyone pass: groups of friends huddled together playing truth or dare, Couples mad in love cuddling under the rising sun, extreme extroverts attracting the biggest of crowds with their charisma and infinite amounts of joy, flocks of laughter and company side-by-side... where am i in the picture???? A lost boy stepping on broken glass, scars on his feet with a trail of crimson blood following his every step. Like the tail of a comet. A comet trying to veer off from hitting the planet. So it maneuvers, floats away into the empty spaces in between worlds. wandering forever. For forever. No element can fill the empty set to the brim. It just piles at the base like scraps of empty promises and hopeless dreams at the bottom of a panhandler's cup. These feelings are hard to convey...like a star trying to shine a world a thousand light years away. I deserve to disappear. to be an abandoned memory left in the darkest nights. I smile, they won't smile back, like i have a problem they're trying to point out but I can't seem to understand their message. You're trying too hard. Three circles bobbing up and down in a speech bubble appear. Out of nowhere, they disappear. Then i'm filled with dread and despair, 'what did i do wrong?' 'what did i do to hurt them?' 'was it me?' 'was this my fault??'. Green circle on the bottom left-hand corner of a photo disappear. 'NO, I DIDN'T MEAN TO' 'PLEASE I'M SORRY, COME BACK' 'ITS MY FAULT IM SORRY I WON'T DO IT AGAIN'. An inky shadow creeps up behind me. Every step i take, i take with a heaving breath, a careful mind, a shaky concern...just so i won't shake the bridge as i cross it...just so i don't throw them off balance. rmb, their eyes are always on me. they won't stop looking, won't stop judging, will never spare a thought for the boy before their eyes. But I smile. I smile and say i'm happy. a smile stitched onto my white-washed mask with a tiny crack above the right eye. two lines intersecting the curving smile upon the face. Every step i take, the chains drag behind me. clink click clink. People i hold dear to my heart, every sincere concern and worry of me like a hopeful piano playing in the background. But my tentacles and veins of eyes cannot stop searching their innocent eyes, cannot stop searching for hints of lies and unheard truths. and all they stare back into is the eyes of a monster, right iris next to a pale dried eye clot on a white canvas. As for the piano, a metronome accompanies it. It's unsure beat tearing away its notes into a painful pang of lightning fast noise. A song unheard by the masses. The past a haunting poem, It comes back every time i look into her eyes, the V.O.L reflects back at me its swirling head of stormy clouds into two halves like a fruit split apart. It's left cheek withered off from its jaw. It's right arm gone and replaced with a stub like the front of a threatening squall. Its left elongated and reaching for a hope that couldn't be found. For The Light. It's footing unsteady as the heavy burden of gravity and his heart pull him down to the ground. His empty heart lined with a cavernous crack in the middle. don't go back to darkness. I've let out a lot of things............................. What else is there to say? Continue Dreaming? Hoping? Continue anticipating for the day that I'd go to space? Float around with the stars on an infinite axis where I belong? I guess, that's the only path to take. If u've been reading until now, congrats, you've reached the end. next chapter...