Love Triangle

~ 8 ~

Jian's POV

I started counting the days until Justin's visit. I carefully erased the 5 on the post it note on my wall and turned it into a 4. Four days... I could make that, couldn't I?

I can do this, I could tell him... I ran through it eight hundred times. Speak of the devil, my phone started to ring, without looking at the caller I knew who it was. Justin.

"Hey Jay" I said, picking up the call.

"Hey Jian, how are you doing?"

We chatted for a little but something didn't feel quite right. Well, nothing really felt right at the moment but I felt like with every word I was just fighting to hold back my feelings. I felt like crying, how could it possibly hurt so much just to talk to him? I just couldn't pretend I was okay anymore and I was sure that Justin noticed too as we talked so I suddenly stopped our normal conversation.

"Justin?"

"What is it?"

"I-I'm Sorry. I just, I don't know... I should feel better by now but.. I just feel stuck."

Justin started to say something but I stopped him. Why had I just said that? It was stupid and I was being such a burden and a load.

"I'm so sorry. I'm being such a burden, am I not? I'm a terrible friend. I need to deal with this on my own, it shouldn't be your problem."

I couldn't stop myself from blabbering.

"What? No it's fine Jian... you know that I'm here for you."

I hated myself even more cause I probably had made him feel so bad.

"But I don't deserve it...", I whispered so quietly that I wasn't sure if he had heard it.

"What did you say?"

"You should hate me."

My voice was louder now and it sounded cold, almost angry. Angry at myself for being who I was.

I could tell that I had hit Justin with that, I could just picture his disbelieving face.

"Jian..."

"HATE ME! Why don't you hate me!?"

I was shocked at myself at screaming but a the same time I didn't care, my selfish emotions had taken over.

I wished he would just scream that he did indeed hate me, that I was a terrible friend, that I had hurt him and should leave me alone.

Obviously hating myself wasn't enough for me, I wanted others to do it too. I wanted everyone to hate me because I deserved it and then I wouldn't have a reason to live anymore.

But of course Justin didn't say any of that.

I could just hear him crying and sobbing for a bit.

Then, all out of a sudden, he screamed into his phone too.

"STOP IT!!" his voice sounded broken. I wasn't used to hearing him screaming.

"Just stop it! Please Jian..."

I wasn't sure what to say, I didn't know myself anymore.

"I don't hate you and I will never be able to hate you. Jian... please you need to stop hating yourself, there are so many people who love you and I-I..."

Justin's voice broke while he spoke. I could tell he wanted to say something else, but he didn't.

The last thing I heard was him whispering through tears.

"I wish I could tell you..."

Then I heard the beep of the phone being hung up.