Train // DenNor

Emil, Emil, Emil.

I stare at the wall. Everything hurts. I can barely go anywhere. It hurts, and it's not fun.
Emil walks into my room. I turn around and look at him. He meets my eyes. We both stare at eachother. I can only see in his eyes. He's affected too by my sudden absence.
He has sorrow deep buried in his cold and calm attitude. I can't stand looking at him.
I look away.
"Are you alright?", he asks carefully. He's still standing. Like a tough soldier, he won't let this take him down. He's so strong.
I pat at the end of my bed. He sits down where I patted.
I sit up. I stare at him again. He occasionally meets my eyes, but he tries his best to hide.
"It's alright," I answer him. I don't want him to worry. What kind of brother would I be?
He takes my eyes. A small tear rolls down his cheek.
I can't look at him, but I have to. It's my responsibility. I can't turn away. I brought him into this, I have to drag him out again.
"It's ok," I whisper over and over again. More tears fall on the bed sheet. He needs to express his emotions, but every tear falling sends a string of pain into my heart.

Emil told me I should call him, after I explained what happened. He got mad at me. He said it was all my fault to begin with, and quickly shut the door in my face.
I don't quite care. I got a new bed sheet. A dry one.

I shouldn't call him. I should just say I'm sorry.
I wonder.
How can I say sorry, if I'm not sure of what I did wrong?
Did I make him run away? No. I stood my ground. It was him to take the run, so why do I have to apologize?
I can't stop thinking.
Why can't he just come here? He would have never hestitated before. He would have come and talked to me. He would have laughed, he would have smiled.
I wrap my hands around my head.
Why does it have to be so difficult? Why can't I just say sorry? Why can't he just say sorry?
I lay down.
Is Emil still sad? Is he worried for me? Why have I dragged him into this? Is he mad at me or Mathias?
I slowly try to sleep.
I can't think straight. Every memory is full of him. I try to think about something else.
Vladimir and I stood there. We were waiting for someone. Vladimir was practising something, when I poked him on the shoulder. I had spotted Arthur, who came walking towards us. I couldn't help but laugh. He walked a little weird, what had he done? Vladimir ran to him and showed him something. I said hi. He said he had missed us.
I smile for myself. Finally, a good memory. I close my eyes and fall asleep.