Spencer Reid- Dilaudid

Chapter Twenty-Five

My hands were sweating, and my heart was racing faster than usual. I was in the conference room waiting for Hotch, who was forcing me to tell my team about my recent drug addiction, orders from Strauss. I was already starting to feel nauseous, I had been dreaming about how I was going to tell them, but this definitely feels scarier than the dream.

"Spencer has a few things to say and I would like everyone to listen. This conversation does not leave the room am I clear. " He asks and everyone nods nervously. Kind of how I feel, but worse. I looked at JJ and my anxiety flew through the roof trying to imagine everything shes about to feel.

"Please don't hate me" I whisper making eye contact with her.

"I just want to start off by saying I'm sorry I've been acting so weird lately. I just." I pause looking down at my hands shaking in order to avoid making eye contact with anyone at this point.

"Truth is I've been struggling to make sense of this, of everything. I've been hurting so much and I haven't been dealing with my "feelings" properly or so I've been told. Tobias... He uhh used a drug called Dilaudid to help me cope while I was down there with him and ever since I've been addicted. It started as just using to help me sleep and then it started with helping me get through the day. It helps me, or so I thought it was, and I know that it's not right. I just wanted to feel normal." I pause fighting the lump in my throat. I wasn't even thinking about what I was saying, the truth was just pouring out and I wasn't holding anything back. 

"The only thing I know is I don't want to feel this way anymore, I want to be able to close my eyes without seeing his face or hearing his voice. I want to be able to last a full day of work without having six cups of coffee." I mention finally looking up focusing on Hotch who nods wanting me to continue.

"I want to be able to talk to my team without snapping at all of them or getting angry and hurting everyone's feelings." I look at my team carefully inspecting their facial expressions, glancing a little longer at Jennifer Jareau who looks extremely hurt. Her eyes were glossy like she wanted to cry but that changed as she blinked.

"So, I'm going to be going to a support group and I will be staying behind on cases until Hotch and Erin feel as though I'm ready" I mention looking at Garcia who has a hand on her heart. Just then Hotch's phone rings and I knew their going to get whisked away by a case.

"We have to go we have a case. Spencer, we can all talk when we get back alright?" He asks and the team files out except Derek who is still sitting in his chair staring at me. I watched JJ's blonde hair swing out the door and I sighed to myself knowing I already messed things up. Things were going so well with her.

"You should probably get going" I cough and he gets up getting ready to walk out of the room.

"You are my best friend Reid! Why didn't you tell me?" He yells looking hurt. I stand up sighing. I didn't know what to say, I went to speak but nothing came out. I had finally opened my mouth to talk but Morgan had just gotten to the door.

"I'm sorry" I break out, my voice crackling. He doesn't turn around he just continues walking not even acknowledging me. I sit back down in my chair and put my head in my hands wondering what I was going to do now. I didn't have anyone.

"What did I do?" I ask myself and his voice screams in my head. I take the papers on the table and immediately start throwing them around. The pencils on the table all cleaned and sharpened were now lying on the floor broken, kind of like how I was. Trying to block out the noises in my head I hear Garcia's heels walking in the hall way and I look up seeing her pacing. I walk towards her and she looks up walking over to hug me.

"I know you don't like hugs, but I am going to hug you my Junior G-Man" she says and I laugh a little at the nickname she uses for me. She always knows how to make you feel better no matter what, it's one of the things I love about her.