Jersey

twelve

Ellie knocked on Grayson's door later that night. He answered letting out a small sigh, "I'm sorry, okay."
She just shrugged, pushing past him and into his house, "I just have one question."
"What is that?" He asked.
"Why didn't you tell me?- actually no, i have more than one question. I have so many questions that i might have to write them down to remember."
Grayson groaned, "I was an idiot, and I hid it from you because I was scared. We had a good thing going Ellie and I was never sure of your feelings for me."
Ellie laughed in disbelief, "Really? You had absolutely no idea?"
He shook his head.
"Even after Lily told you, you still didn't know?"
His breathing stopped for a split second, "She told you, great."
"Yeah she told me everything. And she also told me that you only thought of me as a friend. So, I'm confused as to how you could possibly conspire up feelings for me out of the blue. You're not in love with me Grayson. You just don't want anyone else to have me."
"I'm pretty sure i know my own feelings." He fought, "And it's pretty hard to scope out yours."
"You see Grayson that's the thing, it's not hard. I gave you so many hints, so many clues- almost everyday and you walked over them. You didn't notice, Grayson. You didn't care to notice. You didn't want to notice."
He shook his head, "My feelings for you might have faded over the time- but they never went away. And every single day i spent with you made all those emotions come flooding back. But how was i supposed to know? You never told me anything, even after Lily and I broke up."
"If you really wanted to be with me after you ended things with Lily you would've said something."
"I ended things with Lily because of you. Because i needed to figure out my feelings." He explained, "And as soon as i did, you're out hanging out with Jackson- like what the hell is that about?"
"When Lily told you how i felt and you still didn't even bother to say anything to me, it opened my eyes. If you care about my feelings so little that you'll just walk over them and ignore them like I'm not literally urging for you to love me back, then clearly I'm the idiot."
"Don't play the victim." Grayson said, walking closer to her, "If you want something to be known, you can't expect me to piece it together myself."
"I thought maybe you knew me enough to know when something's up but clearly you don't know me as well as I thought."
He stared to her in disbelief, "Right back at ya, Ellie. You haven't sensed my discomfort whenever you mention his name? Whenever he's with us? You don't see how i just want to rip my hair out? You shouldn't be with him. I'm the one for you, and we both know that."
"No we don't." Ellie spat, "It's been almost a year. And still nothing has happened. You've been back in my life for so long, yet still we can't seem to get it right. This is pathetic, Grayson."
"I agree." He spat back, "This entire thing just damaged us both. Maybe it was better quietly suffering and still being friends- than doing whatever we're doing right now."
She heavily sighed, "This conversation isn't about our feelings for each other. It's the fact that you knew how I felt and ignored it. You ignored my feelings Grayson, not even caring how much that might've hurt me. And then as soon as I'm finally getting over you- you pull me back in and make me feel guilty. Now I'm back in, single- by the way because now i don't even know how i feel. And it wouldn't be fair to Jackson if i kept spinning in circles with you. So, if in two weeks, you're still in love with me, you can call me. But until then, you can leave me the fuck alone."
As she turned to leave out, Grayson lightly grabbed her arm, "Ellie, wait."
Turning back to him, she had tears in her eyes. It caught him by surprise.
"I didn't mean to.." He quietly started, noticing her broken expression.
"I've been in love with you for the past three years. And I've been forced to see you on tv, talking about how much you love Lily, how much she means to you- everyday. And- when you finally came back, and I saw you? I wanted nothing more than for you to see me and realize that you weren't over me. And still, you didn't. Months of me hoping and wishing that maybe you'd wake up and realize i was the one you wanted. I was the one. When you and Lily broke up I thought maybe I had a chance. But even after we were both single you couldn't seem to see me the way i wish you would've. It hurt. And then Lily telling me that you only saw me as a friend nearly broke me. And then I find someone, who actually likes me? And I'm happy? And then you just- you tell me this. You drop this huge bomb on me and I don't even know what to think. A month ago i would've probably jumped into your arms. But now I'm just confused."
Grayson sighed, looking to her sadly.
"I can't, Grayson." She said, "I wanted you and you made me feel like I was delusional."
"Ellie."
"No." She said, backing away as he reached for her, "You made me feel like I couldn't move on because I was too hung up on you."
"I'm sorry." He apologized, "I never meant to make you feel like that."
She then let a tear fall, "I asked you what Lily said and you lied to me."
He couldn't even make out words.
She then looked down to her feet, letting out a pained cry, "You didn't care about my feelings."
"No." He quickly said, "That is not what happened."
Ellie just shook her head, "I watched you love someone else for two years. You couldn't even watch for two weeks."
He sighed, waiting for her to finish.
"Now I'm back in. So congratulations, now i really am all yours." She said, holding her arms out, motioning that she was giving up, "I'm back to that same girl who chased after you, while you ignored her."
"We can be together again, Ellie." Grayson said, now inches away from her, "We can be us again."
Inches away from him, she looked up, peering to his lips. She wanted to kiss him, but she didn't. She stopped herself knowing now wasn't the time. She was feeling too many unexplained emotions.
"I'm sorry but as of right now, I can't even think about an us."
With that, Ellie walked out leaving Grayson stuck. Once Ellie got to her car, she tried her hardest not to start crying. She really, really tried.