Flying before Walking

Expectations vs Reality in Adelaide, May 2018

I've been in Australia for 2 months now!

Although I've only been settled in Adelaide for a month, and i know based on how many times I paid for rent. We pay rent every 2 weeks in advance.

I'm still unemployed. I also don't leave my room most days (but that is another issue).

This is not exactly what I planned. Okay, I didn't exactly have a plan. I thought I could get a job as a face-to-face fundraiser and it will pay me enough to live and give me enough time to work on my own project.

I do have a lot of free time now, unemployed and all, but I haven't actually been able to concentrate on my own project, because I'm too anxious about being unemployed, and literally spend the whole day virtually sending out my CV.

I was in an interview last week, I didn't get the job. But I did belatedly realize, by the way it was a group interview, that I'm the only one there on a working holiday visa, everyone else is either Australian or on a migrant visa or a permanent residence. What that means is they don't have work restrictions, while I do. So obviously, why would they hire me.

You see, there are jobs that is meant for us working holiday backpackers, it's fruitpicking, farm work, maybe some au pair work. But even though I joked about it and briefly considered those options, I actually didn't apply to any of those.

Because most of the posts I read on the many, many Facebook groups was, avoid Bundy (Bundaberg, which is where a lot of jobs are), because they exploit backpackers. Most farms are also very far away and requires a car, which I don't have. I can't even drive. Or you can live in a working hostel and share the room and shower with a bunch of people. I lived in hostels before during my travels, but whenever I do, I always question myself: why? Okay, maybe I'm a bit of a princess.

Instead I live in a sharehouse in a quiet suburb, we have a pool and I only share the shower with one other girl. I have the smallest room in the house, but I also used to live in student accommodations (so I'm actually quiet comfortable). I also have rainbows and stars on my bedsheets and a stuffed bunny.

I've also unfortunately been applying for jobs that Australians have been applying for. I also applied and then turned down commission based kiosk and door to door sales jobs. Because I really don't want to be a door knocker.

Life isn't easy. It's not meant to be.

To be honest, one of the reasons why I'm here is because at least I can stay here for a year without worrying about my status. You see, as a third culture kid, who never bothered getting the citizenship of the country where her parent's house is, can't crash there for more than a month ona tourist visa. I also can't work there because then I'd have to get a working visa and all that.

And why would I want to work there? Okay, I got paid for 3 days of work I did here and minus taxes and all that, it was still more than what an average person makes in a month in the Philippines.

So even though, I haven't hit the ground running as I hoped, and my family is worried about me. I'm fine. I'm not great, but I'm not terribe either.

But that's the logical side. The side that social media sees. I seem to have it all together, and honestly, there is no reason why I shouldn't.

But you can't control what your mind thinks. Yes, the times that I don't leave the room, I barely leave my bed or do anything. That is because I am buried by the weight of this invible rain cloud that just keeps pouring.

At this moment though, I'm alright. I don't feel that way. But it's hard to tell when that rain cloud is coming back.

I've been taking this Science of Well-being class and I started writing a Gratitude journal, as well as savouring moments each day.

The past few days, I savoured not having to get out of bed when I didn't feel like it. It should be a bad thing. But at the same time, I don't have to pretend to be okay and just go throuvh a day in the office, for example. Not having responsibilities and people depending on you is a relief.

I have been so grateful for family, for friends, who are far away but connected.

I have been grateful for little things, like a comfortable house and a nice shower and Uber Eats delivering food so I wouldn't go hungry.

Things may not always work out. Today I narrowly missed the bus twice. I thought I was going to be late and miss the library's opening hours, but I didn't and I was able to complete my errands smoothly and swiftly. It was colder today, around 14 degrees, and I was only wearing a sweatshirt, I was chilly, but I wasn't cold.

If we were to count the things that didn't go well, the jobs that we didn't get, we will probably never be finished.

Counting 5 things to be grateful for each day, sometimes stumped me, because I didn't want to be repetitive. And it's funny.

Life can be fun, life can be carefree, but really I think if it really was that way, I think I'll be bored. I think I'd rather be anxious ball of stress that occasionally can't get out of my blanket burrito, than be bored.

Although I do really like to stay in my dreams sometimes. My dreams are comforting. Reality still needs a bit of work, but I don't mind the work.