Flying before Walking

Re-reading "The Alchemist" in Adelaide, August 2018

"When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it." This line from the book, "The Alchemist" has been my source of comfort since I first read it in high school, almost a decade ago. I truly believe in my heart that when I truly want something, the universe and God will help me achieve it. I believe in The Secret, the power of prayer and miracles.

I read this book in my last year in high school, when I was applying to different universities and different degrees. Back then the future seems full of possibilities, and infinite number of doors that could lead me to different lives. It excited me. I saw a vision of myself, oh who I want to be. I wanted to live in a modern apartment with floor to ceiling windows, I wanted to be successful and to be recognized for what I did in my field. Even though back then, I didn't really know what my field would exactly be.

My biggest fear and the one thing that I swore that I will never be is the Crystal Merchant. He lived his entire life in his crystal shop, even though he had a dream to go to Mecca. "I'm afraid that if my dream is realized, I'll have no reason to go on living," the Crystal Merchant had said.

Even back then, I disagree with him. And in a way I think my life has been shaped by my intent to never end up like the Crystal Merchant. So I kept on moving, I never stay in a job, an apartment or a country for too long. The Crystal Merchant also never left, because he was comfortable, he was used to his life the way it is and he liked it that way. Any time I felt that I was getting comfortable, that I wasn't learning anything new, that I was stagnating, I leave. That may not have made me a stable person, but I'm fine with that.

"People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them. We, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever, or of moments that could have been good but weren't, or of treasures that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. Because, when these things happen, we suffer terribly," the boy, Santiago, had said.

To which the Alchemist replied, "Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."

I may have mentioned this before, that people have commented how brave I was. I never felt brave. In fact, I am so afraid of failure or not reaching my potential. I am afraid and I am anxious all the time, but I hush it. I always turn to prayer and God, and I know through Christ, I can do all things.

"We are afraid of losing what we have, whether it's our life or possessions and property. But this fear evaporates when we understand that our life stories and the history of the world were written by the same hand," the Camel Driver told Santiago.

I'm not a materialistic person, but unfortunately, I also have no sense of money. So I don't mind losing everything. I don't mind hedging a bet. But maybe, because I am quite privileged as well, to have family who loves me and who supports me. Sometimes, I feel like I'm being selfish for pursuing my dreams and I don't deserve any of it, but I also know that my family wants me to be happy.

"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."

Even though I am afraid, I still jump. Sometimes, I blindly jump.

In some ways, I achieved the dreams I had when I was in high school. I lived in that nice apartment, I had a good job. I traveled half way across the world, I got my Masters degree, and I was recognized as one of the 100 Future Talents in my field.

When one dream ends, you just find another. I don't believe in what the Crystal Merchant says. I traveled to another hemisphere with absolutely nothing.