catfish. jack grazer

real life i.

THERE HE WAS, in the corner of the cafe, sitting with his hands clamped, his feet tapping the ground. i used to feel like jack grazer deserved nothing but heartbreak, but i know he deserves this. i could already feel my heart shattering.
i took a seat across from him, his eyes following me as i sat down. i could see the heartbreak in his eyes.
"it's you," he says. "you're kyler finns. out of all the people in the world, out of all the people who couldn't possibly want to hurt me, it's you." his voice was breaking, but he held back the tears. "why?"
"the purpose was to break your heart," i say. "i wanted you to feel the pain you caused her to have. i wanted you to pay for what you did, for what you made her do."
"i'm not following."
"you're the reason veronica is gone."
the pain in his eyes deepens.
"congratulations, mission accomplished, you've broken my heart." he says.
he gets up and storms out of the cafe.
i've fucked up.
i run after him and stop him.
"before you leave my life forever, i need to explain."
he rolls his eyes and faces me.
"six months ago when i lost veronica, my life fell apart. she was my best friend, and i told everything to her. she was the only person i could trust, she was the only person who actually listened, who actually understood what i was feeling."
a tear ran down his face, and he faced the other way.
"she made me happy, i made her happy. at least, i thought i did. then i walked into her room one day to borrow some mascara, and she was lying on the floor. i thought she was asleep. i walked over to her and tried to shake her awake.

"veronica." i said, shaking her. "wake up you weirdo, you're supposed to sleep on your bed, not your floor. get up."

"she didn't move. i continued to shake her awake. it didn't work. then it hit me. i touched her wrist to check her pulse, her skin cold. there was no pulse, she was gone. i called 911 and ran to my mom.
couple months down the line, when the grief was finally fading away, i told myself i needed to do what veronica would want me to do.
and i thought what veronica wanted me to do was hurt you. i was wrong, okay? i know that now. since you were her last boyfriend, i blamed you. even though she, you know, months after you guys broke up. i blamed you, saying you were the glue holding her together. i was wrong, there was no glue. veronica was depressed, you couldn't do anything about it, i couldn't do anything about it. her death is no one's fault, i just wanted to blame you. i wanted it to be someone else's fault besides for my own. i wanted to stop blaming myself and start blaming someone else.
i knew you would never fall for me, i was your ex girlfriend's little sister, it was wrong. so i made a catfish account.
at first, it was working perfectly. i was hurting you just like i had planned. but it got deeper. it was never my goal to fall for you, jack, but i did. i did fall for you. i'll never forgive myself for any of this. i'll never forgive myself for blaming you, i'll never forgive myself for hurting you, i'll never forgive myself for loving you, i'll never forgive myself for letting veronica go. i'll never forgive myself."
"for loving me?" he asks. "you love me?" i hadn't realized i said that. i nod my head. "if you loved me, you wouldn't have continued to hurt me."
"i didn't want to let go of what you and kyler had. i wanted to continue being someone else, i wanted to continue talking to you, continue liking you without actually being myself. but that's over now. i'm not kyler anymore, i'm autumn cale. and it fucking sucks being autumn cale. which is why i pretended to be someone else. it was wrong, and i'm a terrible person, i know. you just deserved an explanation. i'm sorry for breaking your heart." i stand there for a few seconds, not wanting to let go.
"goodbye, jack."
i walk away.