All four of us were sitting around our hotel room in an eerie silence. Michael volunteered to go to the concierge and had gotten us all breakfast. So there I was with a blueberry muffin that I wasn't hungry for.
I was sitting on the couch, poking at my muffin, while some sort of show played on the tv. None of us were watching it None of us were talking. And I hated that feeling in my gut that it all had to do with me.
I took my muffin and walked to the bathroom, hoping that my friends would think I was actually going to use the bathroom. Instead, after the door was closed and locked behind me, I hid the muffin in the trash. Then I sat down on the toilet seat. My elbows bent on my thighs, and I ran my hands through my thick curly hair.
What was happening to me? I was going to funerals for people I didn't know. Buying Mountain Dews. Driving to gas stations for things I don't remember. I was supposed to be happy go lucky Ashton. The glue to the band. The rock. The one who made everyone laugh. But here I was, questioning my own stability. I hated not being myself.
My head began to pound again. So I went to stand up, but I swayed with dizziness and sat back down on the toilet seat.
A sick twisted feeling welled in my gut, and I felt like I was going to be sick. I thought maybe I was just getting the flu or something. That would explain the headaches and the nausea, but not Mountain Dews and memory loss.
I stood up slowly, flushing the toilet to really sell the act of the bathroom. As I was washing my hands, I splashed some cold water on my face.
I thought I just needed some alone time, but after last night I didn't think any of them would let me go. As much as I hated to do it, I would have to lie.
I stepped out of the bathroom slowly.
"Hey Calum?" I began, noticing him walking towards me. He cocked his head up at the sound of his name.
"I'm going to head down to the studio. I need to go check on some things" I explained, watching for his reaction.
"Sure man!" he said all to excitedly.
"Let's go"
My eyes widened.
"Oh I didn't mean-"
"Hey guys, Ash and I are heading down to the studio. Be back soon" Calum called, heading towards the door.
I started after him, a little shocked. But I realized it must've been their unspoken plan all along. To keep an eye on me.
I closed the door behind me, and saw that Calum was already at the elevator.
"Whoa wait up!" I laughed, hurrying to catch up with him.
"Ashton look" he said as soon we were in the elevator.
"I'm sorry, I know you probably need some alone time right now, but I'm worried Ash. Let's just talk okay? We'll go get a coffee and talk" he suggested. I leaned up against the wall, and sighed.
"There's nothing to talk about. I'm nineteen years old. Not two. If you're referring to yesterday, I don't know what happened, but I'm sorry" I told him harshly. I was trying hard not to raise my voice.
"Please" he begged. I didn't want to storm off like a pissed teenager like I did yesterday, but I was pretty close.
"No. Just leave me alone" I spat. Calum looked furious.
"Just don't turn off your phone this time, okay?" then he walked out the elevator, the big metal doors closing behind him.
I was so angry, so pissed, but I did want to sit down and have coffee. So I did the first thing that came to mind.
