It never really felt like we ended it. Not for me at least. It felt like I didn't really break up with her. I still loved her with all my heart. I still caught myself thinking about her all the time. Everything little thing reminded me of her.
I was in my bed. She was in hers. One of us was in the wrong place.
But what sickened me the most, was that I could fall asleep at night while I knew she was falling apart instead. I had convinced myself that I did the right thing. That I was protecting her. But even still, my mistakes were slowly devouring me.
I spent the whole day hung over. Staring at my bedroom ceiling while lying in my bed. I actually thought I discovered a new color. Time seemed to stand still.
Then at some point the lads barged into my room.
"Hey Ash" Luke said softly.
I didn't answer.
"So what happened?" Calum began.
"We're over" I said flatly.
But Michael tried so hard to keep the mood light.
"Well don't turn silent like I did" he laughed.
Calum and Luke mumbled laughs along with him, but I didn't budge. Then came the awkward silence, so I spoke up what was really on my mind. It was time to wrap everything up, and accept the fact that I was indeed going to die. It was no longer in my control.
"We've had a great run, haven't we?" I asked, actually smiling a little. My hands were behind my head and I still stared into nothingness on my ceiling. I felt the boys sit down on my bed.
"What do you mean Ash?" Michael wondered cautiously.
"5 Seconds of Summer. We've had so many great memories and good times. This really is the time of our lives and I think we've lived it well" I explained.
"What are you on?" Calum teased.
"Oh stop it, Ash is right. We really have" Michael added.
"Just look where we are now. Tours, an album. Even if my life was suddenly the movie 17 Again, I don't think I'd live it any other way" I continued, turning my head to look at them. Luke looked like he was going to argue with me about my movie reference, but he never did.
"I love you guys" I told them, and I truly meant it. They awkwardly muttered back 'I love yous' then and left. I guess they cleared me as not in a 'Michael State of Mind'.
I was honestly just trying to make my peace with leaving life. Of course I wasn't ready though. I've never been married, or had kids. Although, I was a drummer in a, what I'd like to say punk, band that was globally famous. All I could hope is that I've made a mark on not only my friends and family, but people I hadn't even met. The fans. My only regret in life I thought, would be that I haven't met them all.
Maybe it was just me thinking of death, but I think I could actually feel my body shut down and just give up.
It was official, my life was a cheesy romantic movie.
I didn't even want to think about the after math of my passing. The media, the fans, I'm sure the band would be no more. The casualty list could go on and on. I absolutely hated it. I didn't even want to think about.
Then a brilliant idea popped into my head. Another plan to minimize the casualties.
Michael was originally going to be the drummer of the band, until I joined. So I determined that the band could survive without me. Drummers are replaced all the time. I was no exception.
Screw it, I didn't want to die. I still had my whole ahead of me. I had to be a drummer and make people happy. The band would never truly be 5 Seconds of Summer without the misleading four members of the band. At least not to our fans.
I wasn't designed to hurt people. I couldn't control my death, but I couldn't do that to a person. What is death? How could someone be there one second and just not be there the next? What happens? Would it hurt?
I just wanted to make other people happy. Even if it made me unhappy in the process.
I began to feel angry. Why was it happening to me? All this, and it had to happen to me? Life just can't go our way sometimes. Which is weird because it is our life and we should be able to do whatever we want with it.
I shot out of my bed, ripping the sheets off as I went. Then I threw the pillows off. I punched the air and kicked my desk chair over. I knocked all the picture and other things off my walls. I was angry at life and Dr. Bolli and Lexie and myself for ever being born. A string of curses escaped my mouth.
I took the picture I had of the four of us and ripped it to shreds. I knocked down everything in my path. I punched a hole in the wall. Then another. And another.
I couldn't stop. I was crying and screaming and thrashing around. Soon hands were trying to pin me down, but I resisted. I wasn't done being mad.
But I was no match for the three of them. They didn't say anything, just held me down until my breathing ceased and the tears dried.
I was too busy cursing at them to even look at them, or what I had just done.
But there could be no more damage control. Whether I liked it or not, it was already decided for me.
It was time to give up.
