Days of my life

The non - rape of the simplicity of innocence.

Press play on song now

'Please I know your scared it will hurt but honestly I think the pain would be worth it.'

'No... I dunno... I know its your fetish and everything' Jaqs sighed and waved her arms around empathetically to try and portray the indecision that was harbouring deep inside her. 'but I am not sure that I would like it really.'

'You said you would try it though'

'I know, I just--' 

'Just what? Wanted to get my hopes up?'

'No, honestly; I didn't want you to ...' Jaqs let out a frustrated sigh. 'I just...' an exasperated grunt escaped her throat and flew out of her lips as she held her face in her hands to keep it on and balanced her elbows on her knees . The fury of not being able to express what she meant to him was agony. She WANTED to tell him no. But she also didn't want to be the 'hesitant' girlfriend who was 'no fun' and a 'prude' or worse yet; 'frigid.' 

She could have told him how she felt but she still wouldn't have ended up expressing her inner deepest and darkest feelings or emotions. Not because she was incapable of it but because she just couldn't seem to find the right words to explain her feelings of frustration towards him due to his lack of empathetic understanding to her sexual plight. 

Granted, she had never told him how sex made her feel like she was dirty and unclean.

But why would she? 

That was just the problem with her. She didn't say no to people enough. Didn't think she had a right to most of the time, because she thought any reason that she ever had to say no, was never going to be good enough.

And that she would never be able to explain her thoughts well enough for someone to care. She could not express her thoughts to someone if she hadn't even made sense of them herself. It was like a foreign language was talking in her head whenever she tried to comprehend her emotions towards him;  And she had to use a manual to translate the thoughts and feelings life brings. 

'Great I feel like I have been pressuring you now.' He snapped at her, as a gentle red flush started down his face. That's the con of being a ginger with a bad temper I guess...she thought to herself. 

'Thanks a lot. You really are cold hearted aren't you?'

'No, I just didn't want to say no to sex in case it upset you! I know everyone has a fetish and I know that you wont necessarily want to go and cheat on me just because I don't want to live out your fucking fantasies with you.'

He leant sideways on the bed and put his arms around her and his hair brushed past her face tickling it slightly.

'You know I would never leave you babe'

'I know' she murmured as she felt her self being turned around on the bed.

Years later when Jaqueline looked back on this incident she wondered if maybe it wasn't the idea of him leaving that scared her. Maybe it was because she knew that if he stayed by her side much longer life would be over. She would be at the brink of insanity and already falling forward over the very precipice tip in to the unknown of blackness, darkness, death.

'It wont hurt I will be gentle, honestly'

He said from behind her as he made sure she was now facing the back wall; the head of the bed. The pillows where dreams are meant to happen. They weren't for dreaming anymore. Not for her anyway. They were now for biting in to as her innocence was ripped apart and crying in too at night when she reflected on the fact that she felt dirty. Used. Disgusting. But that's just a beautiful analogy. She didn't believe this was rape. She didn't believe this was forced sexual behaviour. She gave consent, and felt dirty for doing so. She felt ugly, tainted by her desire, her almost need to please others, otherwise she would sit and ponder, wonder, wander through her mind, thinking, 'where did I go wrong?' before they had even left her.