Random Thoughts

THOUGHT #3: Suddenly, I Want to Quit My Job

Five months in and here I am. Thinking and wanting to quit my job. "Are you insane?!", "Wala ka pa ngang naiipon mag-reresign ka na agad?!", those are the words that will surely hit my face when I tell my family about this thought of mine.

Totoo naman. At bakit ba kasi sumasagi sa isipan ko yung pag-reresign? Eh hindi pa nga ako nakaka-isang taon sa trabaho ko. First, it was because I was working overload. Wala naman sa job description ko yung mga pinapagawa sa akin. I started with 2 projects and five months later I got four whooping projects under my belt. And I firmly think that I am criminally underpaid. Bakit ko nasabi? Well, I have co-workers that were being paid way higher than me while doing less most of the office hours. So that's it! I am going to leave it there.

But wait, am I the only one experiencing this scenario. Luckily, no. And what did they do? Did they resign? Well, the answer to that question is still NO. They kept their patience long instead and took advantage of the situation. Took advantage of the situation?! How can they took advantage of such situation kung sila yung inaabuso (sorry for that term), kung kami yung inaabuso? They took advantage by learning a lot of things. Sinamantala nila yung exposure nila sa iba't ibang trabaho na pinapasa sa kanina despite of all the drama, anxiety, stress and emotional breakdowns. And they used this situation to grow as person and a professional. Kahit na minsan kinagagalitan pa sila at sinisisi sa failures ng iba.

When I come to think about it medyo najujustify nito kung bakit hindi ako dapat magbalak na magresign. I am very lucky to have this job dahil hindi lahat ng graduates at board passers ay nabibigyan ng ganitong opportunity na makapagtrabaho kaagad. So I really need to set my mind in my job and work harder.

Sabi nga nila walang madaling trabaho. Pero paano kung hindi ka naman masaya sa trabaho mo? Because at the end what's important is you enjoy your job. And that's where my second reason is coming from. No matter what I do and no matter how I try to think positively about my job, I really don't enjoy it. What I want to do is make music and write novels but that is not practical. I don't have the luxury to risk my future because of my dreams. Pero kung hindi ngayon kelan ko pa ipe-pursue yung mga pangarap ko?

Why do I feel like I have a deadline to success ever since I started adulting? It feels like I've only got 5 years left to live and I need to achieve as much as I can. I know I shouldn't feel this way but I can't help it. I just can't. And I am well aware how quick my mind changes. One moment I was enjoying my job because I'm starting to discover new things, then suddenly I'm starting to hate it because things are getting harder and it limits me in doing things that I want to do the most. I know I'm complicated. But that's me.

So what am I supposed to do right now that I'm slowly falling into some sort of depression because I can't do what my heart really wants to do? I actually did something. I prayed. I continue to always pray to God and seek answers to Him.

Did I get an actual response? No. But I found comfort and some sort of assurance that I may not understand all the things that is happening to me, but someday I will and I will look back to this day and I will just smile and say "Oh, that's why."

And they always say when God is making you wait for the things that you wanted the most. He is actually preparing something bigger and extravagant. Something better than the things you thought was the best for you. So right now, I will just continue trust and keep on praying that He will help me make my dreams come true.

For now, I still have to earn some money. I still need to buy a guitar and maybe a piano. I still have to enhance my talents and abilities. Maybe I'll take some vocal lessons. And of course I will also have to endure my job for now. Anyway my job can also be fun at times. I still have a lot to learn. Maybe this is just one way of preparing myself for that big dream of mine. So what I need to do for now is endure my job. At least for now.