Random Thoughts

THOUGHT #5: How I Became a Shell of My Former Self

To find out that all that kindness and emotions were all fake and have no meaning. It still hurts so much. I thought that with all the things that I went through, with all the things that I've been through, nothing can hurt me as much as before, but it did.

My chest hurts so much. Should I keep on beating it? It feels like it's going to explode. Or should I just continue to build walls and strengthen my armor so it will hurt less in the future. Why do I end up betrayed every time I thought I found someone I can trust and will accept me wholeheartedly for who I am and for what I love? Why do I end up so hurt that I can't bear to look at the faces of the people that I thought will take me as I am?

Those are the words. Words that keep on running in my mind every time. Every time someone threw me off the bus. I get depressed, I get so hurt. But guess what? I get over it. I continue to live on. I get over it. I continue to heal and hurt again. My armor kept on being torn, then after recovering I kept on fixing it.

This is how I became a shell of my former self, the mighty and confident former self that always wins and was always the best. Was. Past tense, because that mighty and confident self will never come back again. Maybe I just became a very hard and rough shell that keeps on taking all the blows... but until when? How much longer will I endure fighting them? Fighting my demons. Am I making sense? Do the things I say make sense? I guess so. I hope so. How much more can I take? I guess we'll have to wait see.