Never Enough

Can't Help Myself

I kick off my shoes as soon as I get home and run to the kitchen.

I'm starving and need to eat before I get started on my homework. I take out some pound cake mom has in the cupboards and cut a large slice out.

I also get the Cocoa Puffs cereal from on top of the fridge and pour myself a bowl and add milk.

I eagerly begin stuffing the slice of pound cake in my mouth and shoveling the spoons of cereal down my throat. It's so good I wish I could eat it all the time, but I limit my junk food bingeing to once a week.

After I finish my cereal I grab a Hershey's chocolate bar and tear the wrapper off. Chocolate has always been my favorite. I inhale the entire thing then pour myself some Sprite to wash it all down.

I then run up to the bathroom in fear of my metabolism beating me and soon I am once again on my knees, sweaty palms on the seat, staring at the clear water.

Without hesitation, I shove my finger down my throat until all of the guilt pours out of me. The smell is putrid and I immediately close the lid and flush before I receive another lecture from my mother.

I open the bathroom cabinet and take out some febreeze and spray twice, anymore and my mom would suspect that I tried to cover up the scent.

I look at the mirror and stare at my messy frizzy hair, my small eyes, and red botched face and his words begin to burn into my mind: "You're just too chubby for me"

I spread my palms on the sink to stabilize myself as I break down into sobs. I can never control the way I eat and I'm so fucking disgusted with myself.

I make my way out of the bathroom where I committed my shameful act and make my way to my room where I change into some cotton
leggings and a thin Nike tee. Time to go for a jog to rid myself of those extra calories in case I didn't already in the bathroom.

As I am just about to open the door my mother turns the lock with her key and enters the house. Shit! She's not supposed to know I'm jogging.

"Emma what the hell are you doing?" She asks while pushing herself through the door, grocery bags in hand.

"I was just going for a jog mom," I say casually while twirling my hair.

She walks over to the kitchen and checks the sink, but I had already washed my bowl and plate, all evidence of my binge.

She looks up at me and must've spotted a hint of guilt because she turns on her heels and starts making her way to the upstairs bathroom.

I turn around and sigh already ready for my defeat.

"Why did you spray the air freshener in here Emma!?" I hear her shout from upstairs.

"Because I took a shit!" I yell back.

I hear her angry steps coming back down the stairs and feel a cold sweat shoot down my spine.

"You watch your damn mouth" she says, while pointing a crooked finger in front of my face.

I step back and begin playing with my hair again.

My mother takes a seat in one of the barstools in our kitchen and sighs. "I know you did it again Emma," she says quietly.

"Did what!? You're always accusing me of something!" I say in an effort to defend myself.

I watch as tears begin to form in my mother's eyes and I turn away and roll my eyes.

"I just don't understand how someone could do this to themselves," she sobs.

I turn back around so that I'm facing her. "It's easy when you're fat"

"You're not fat at all honey"

"That's easy for you to say mom you and Rebecca are as thin as a stick and I'm the ugly duckling that has to suffer"

"Honey you're not ugly," she says, lifting herself from her seat and making her way closer to me.

"You don't have to fucking lie," I mumble and i suddenly feel a sting of pain go across my right cheek. She had slapped me.

"I'm sick of this crap Emma! Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and try enjoying your life for once. The life that many people pray everyday of having that you take for granted!" Her voice starts to get more hoarse the louder she screams.

That's my cue to leave so I begin to walk to the staircase and make my way up to my room.

"You can't help yourself if you hate yourself!" I hear my mother's faint voice call out to me as I roll my eyes. I want nothing more than to slam my fucking head against the wall.