Never Enough

The Cupcake Wars

I awake to my alarm sounding inside my head. I want to throw that shit across the room. I get off my bed twisting my way out of my covers and into my house slippers. It's summer time but the tile floor gets quite cold.

I walk over to my closet and swing it open. I reach for a red fitted shirt but hesitate before throwing it back. I don't need mom commenting on how "thin" I've been getting again.

I pick up the bra from yesterday that is thrown across my dresser and decide on wearing an American eagle hoodie with ripped jeans.

I walk over to the bathroom and get the scale that mom hid behind the sink. I weigh myself and look down: 130 pounds, fuck.

I sigh as I step off, taking a long look at myself in the bathroom mirror. All I can see is the small chubs of my stomach that go over the top of my jeans like a cupcake that was baked too long.

I tell myself I'll try to eat less and do more sit ups to help make my stomach flatter.

I run downstairs and mom is sitting in the kitchen. "Aren't you going to eat?" she asks almost as if it's more of a demand than a question.

"Um..." I glance at the clock. Perfect I have an excuse. "I'm actually running kind of late mom and my biology teacher isn't really a big fan of that"

"Stay right there!" Mom says then reaches into the fridge and pulls out a salad, smiling.
"You can still eat and be healthy," she says tossing the plastic box at me.

"Gee thanks," I say sarcastically as I stuff it into my messenger bag. I can already feel the salad coming out my throat as my plans for later are played out in my head.

*******

I walk into first period and see a unfamiliar woman wiring on the smart board, must be a sub. I take a seat at the back next to the window and start taking out my books.

Cameron walks in 10 minutes late and takes the desk to right. "Hey Ems," he says getting himself comfortable.

"Hey," I reply feeling my cheeks blush.

"So I know how much you love purple and I couldn't help but pass up on this purple cupcake I saw in the bakery window this morning," he says, taking out a plastic container with a purple frosted cupcake inside.

I feel a wave of anxiety hit me as I try to find an excuse as to why I can't accept it. I can't say I'm allergic to anything in it because Cameron saw me eat a slice of cake at my sister's party last year. I also don't want to say no because he bought it out of generosity and I want him to like him.

"Oh, they were two for five which is why I figured you'd like one," He says after noticing my hesitation. He must feel embarrassed. What if he thinks I'm trying to reject him or friend zone him because of my hesitation?

"Oh thanks th-that's so nice of you," I stutter as I grab the box before I can change my mind.

I see him relax as he gives me a geeky smile. "You're welcome," he says.

I put the box inside my messenger bag on top of my salad container.

"You should eat it now! They were actually just baked," he protests.

"No, it's fine I had a big breakfast," I lie.

"But Ems I want you to tell me if it's good so I can get that flavor next time and I thought you didn't eat breakfast?"

Damnit he's on to me. "I-I don't most of the time but I got to eat today which is why I came late," I say as I begin to twirl a strand of hair.

Cameron pulls out his own cupcake which has blue frosting and begins to peel the wrapper off. He looks over at me as if waiting for me to do the same.

I force myself to fake a smile then take my cupcake out from my purse and open the box.
My heart begins to race.

He has already taken a bite out of his. "The lady told me the different colored frosting has
different flavors," he says.

I nod, my panic not allowing me to respond properly.

He notices this and sees through me once again. "You can always eat it at lunch if you're full though."

"No no no I'll eat it now I'm not that full," I fake laugh as I quickly peel the wrapper off with shaking fingers. "I'm just nervous about that history exam," I lie again even though I haven't touched my US history textbook since the day the date of the test was announced.

"Oh yeah I hear the people in the other class took it already and everyone said it was really hard; apparently nothing like the review sheet."

The whole time he's talking I'm staring at the cupcake, trying to breathe slower to tame the hummingbird that is my heart.

"You good Ems?" He asks, giving me another strange look.

I force another nervous laugh and say yes before shoving half the cupcake in my mouth. It tastes so good.

"How is it?" Cameron asks flashing me another geeky smile.

"It's great, the frosting isn't that cheap whip creamed frosting most bakeries have," I say.

He chuckles, clearly thankful for having my approval of his little treat.

I force another bite into my mouth and begin the classwork assignment that our biology teacher left the sub. Although it tastes great, every bite is a fearful reminder of the weight I may gain from it.

I scribble biology notes while shoving the rest of my cupcake into my mouth. "That was great," I lie turning to Cameron smiling.

"I thought you'd like it," he said not looking up from his notes.

I then get up and walk towards the trash tossing the container. I grab the bathroom pass right above the trash and quickly but quietly shuffle my way out.

I practically run towards the girls bathroom and wait outside the door to see if I hear noise. I hear laughter coming from the other side. Fuck! Now I have to wait for them to leave.

I pull out my phone and randomly scroll through my Facebook feed for it to look like I'm not waiting.

Finally, two blonde headed girls come out giggling and laughing at something.

I roll my eyes before pushing open the girls bathroom door.

I jog over to the last stall and lock the door before lowering myself down to face the toilet bowl. I stick my index finger down my throat and loudly gag. Nothing comes out. Come on! I think to myself. Finally after pushing my finger further down my throat I initiate a response. The hot vomit comes out, getting all over my fingers. I groan as I quickly grab toilet paper in an attempt to get it off as soon as possible.

A moan escapes my lips as I lift myself up and flush the toilet, the smell of my putrid vomit filling the air. I open the door and am suddenly startled and taken aback.

A concerned face is standing in front of me. My heart rate starts to race as the fact that I've just been caught becomes reality.

It's Theresa.