Never Enough

Alone

My mom doesn't say anything when I walk down the stairs the next morning. She's silently sitting at the kitchen table looking down at her tea, pretending to be super interested in mixing it.

I walk over to the fridge and stuff my bag with a yogurt and an apple so my mother doesn't say anything about me not eating.

"You going to throw that up today and waste my money and continue hurting yourself," she says sarcastically.

I turn around. "No, I'm going to eat it...and digest it for real."

She scoffs before dropping her mug in the sink and begins washing it.

"Have a nice day," she mumbles.

I can't stand the way she treats me like I'm so disgusting. I get a tingle in my nose and before she can catch a glimpse of be tears forming in my eyes, I open the front door and make my way out of the house.

                            ******
When I get to first period Cameron is sitting in the last row of desks which is unusual for his seating habits. Our teacher hasn't arrived yet and so far there is no adult in the classroom.

I walk over and swing my bag of of my shoulders, placing it in the bag of the empty desk next to him.

"Hey," I say.

He looks over to me and forces a small smile. Something is different. His eyes aren't heir usual shade of brown and he looks...frightened almost.

Sensing something is wrong I try to question him. "Is everything okay?"

"Um...yeah it's nothing really," he says moving his eyes down.

"Yes it is tell me," I say placing a hand on his arm.

"It's just...I'm worried about you," he says his voice growing softer and quieter.

My stomach tightens and I feel my heartbeat begin to accelerate.

"What about me?" I say almost too fast.

"Are you...bulimic?" he asks me straight up without beating around the bush.

"What's that?" I ask, never hearing the word in my life.

"Well it's an eating disorder. You see there's...anorexic...which is when someone starves themselves and over exercise and there's bulimic when people throw up everything they eat and maybe even eat a whole lot on a binge and then throw it up too...both are from being obsessed with the fear of gaining weight," he says it slowly as of approaching a deer in headlights.

He continues talking but I subconsciously tune out. My heart is beating faster than before, my breathe tightening as my head repeats the same words over and over again: She told him.  She told him. She told him. She told him.  I feel the tears burn my eyes as they unexpectedly trickle down my cheeks. I quickly rub them away.

My fists tighten as I feel my blood boil. Every ounce of sadness and self hatred suddenly turning to Theresa.

I get up out my desk as Cameron tries to stop me with his hand.

"No wait Emma!" he says, his reach missing me by an inch.

It's too late I'm already practically stomping towards her desk. "Get in the hallway," I say calmly at her trying to keep my voice low so I don't draw more attention to me.

Theresa is sitting in one of the desk in the middle row and looks up at me with a confused expression. I spot a slight look of guilt on her face as she quietly shuffled out of her desk and into the hallway.

I follow and close the classroom door behind her. "What the fuck is your problem bitch," I practically spit.

"What?" she tries to ask almost too innocently.

"You fucking snitched on me!" I shout in her face. "And if that wasn't enough you fucking told Cameron about me."

"I'm...I'm sorry I thought you needed the help and I didn't tell him to gossip I told him because he's your friend and I thought if the guidance counselor can't help you maybe he can convince you to-"

I cut her off before she can finish. "No, you don't get to decide what's best for me. "You think you can just talk shit about me to make you look better since you already won me in the looks category," I say crossing my arms in front of my chest.

"I...wait what? I'm not interested in Cameron Emma," she says.

"Oh my fucking shit don't you fucking get it?! Nobody will ever like me because I don't look like you . I don't have a small waist or tiny legs.  Nobody wants the fat girl and I was only trying to help my damn self."

She opens her mouth but before she can respond I continue talking. "Look you have it easy okay I don't I have to take extra measures."

"You mean throwing up everything you eat," she says getting a bit more sassy. "Emma that's no way to live. That's-that's dangerous. You can get rotten teeth, throw up blood and rip your stomach and burn your throat..."

"I don't give a fuck! Why should you?!" I practically scream.

"Look, I know we're not really friends but I wasn't going to let you continue hurting yourself anymore," she says slowly.

I roll my eyes. This bitch really tried to use the sympathy card. "I don't need you feeling bad for me, I'm not some pathetic little bitch who needs a shoulder to cry on. I'm just trying to lose some weight," I say narrowing my brows at her.

"Then there are other ways Emma this i- this what you're doing is dangerous," she says.

"I just told you I don't give a shit okay it's not like it was my first choice in trying to get thinner."

"But Emma you already are thin!" Theresa says raising her voice.

I snort. "Yeah well it's not good enough," I reply. "And you didn't have to tell the world about my efforts either."

"You needed help. I was trying to get it."

"Yeah well maybe I didn't ask for it," I spat before turning on one heel and walking back inside the classroom.

Cameron looks up and stands when he sees me approaching.

"Emma..." he starts.

"Don't!" I cut him off. "I mess up everything and I would've probably messed us up too."

"But..."

Before he can reply I walk out the classroom once again and find the door to one of the staircases. I open it and take a seat on the dirty red painted stairs.

A loud sob erupts from my throat, surprising me and I cover my mouth and eyes with my hands as the cries continue. It's never enough.