Life and its Challenges

~4~

~Small trigger warning: If you easily get triggered by food and trouble eating please skip the bolded part. Love, Julia~
"Forsythe please stop crying." I sigh. He has been crying for the past hour. "I can't do this if you are going to cry the whole day." I tell him even though I'm well aware that he doesn't understand me. There is nothing I can do or say to make hin shut up. The black dress I bought two weeks ago was supposed to sit tightly over my breasts and my waist. But when I put it on it is too loose. I sigh once again. I knew I lost weight, just not this much. I haven't been able to eat properly since he died. I put on some mascara and pray that no one will notice just how much weight I lost. As I look myself in the mirror I see the dark circle under my eyes. How can they not be covered yet? I've been putting layer after layer of foundation and concealer and what not to cover it. When I hear Veronica approaching I feel so scared. I haven't talked to anyone since the day at the hospital. FP has been knocking on my door and calling me every day but I haven't been able to face him. What am I supposed to say? I can barely calm myself down so how am I supposed to calm him? I get that he lost his son, and that he might need to at least see Forsythe but I can't handle this with another person here. I have been up every night without being able to sleep. And the few times I have actually felt that I'm about to fall asleep Forsythe have been waking up and needing me to feed him or just cuddle him. Sometimes I wonder if he understands what has happened.

"Betty?" I see Veronica in the mirror as I put on my heels.
"Hi." I smile slightly and she comes to hug me. I try not to scream when she touches one of my bruises. They haven't healed yet and I'm sure that if I would've been sleeping and eating they wouldn't have hurt as much as they do now.
"How are you?" She asks and I look at the floor.
"I'm good." She nods and looks at Forsythe, still crying.
"How is he?" She smiles at him and lifts him up. He instantly stops crying and I breathe out.
"Way better now that his godmother is here." She kisses him on the head. As she turns around she starts to look at me as if I was some sort of exhibition.
"You look..." She says after a while. I know what she's going to say. Horrblie, miserable, dead, like a zombie. All of them are true. "You look great." She is lying. I rally don't. "I haven't heard from you in a while." I lower my head and avoid looking in her eyes.
"I...I have had too much to do." She looks at me and then at my waist.
"You...look thin. Have you...eaten?" I nod, I haven't, but I nod anyways.
"Yeah." I answer her.
"Betty, are you okay?"
"Am I okay?" I laugh. "Am I okay. No of course I am not okay. My husband is being buried today. All I want to do is just to disappear. To run to another place and never ever come back to Riverdale, but I can't. Because I have a fucking child who needs me all the time." I scream. Veronica looks at me, slightly scared.
"Oh honey." She finally says. Then she takes a few steps and hugs me tightly. And I let myself be hugged. Closing my eyes and imagining it to be Jughead's arms holding me together.
"You know what? Archie and I'll take Forsythe tonight." I nod. "We'll take care of him and you can sleep. Take a long bath and drink wine."
"Thank you." I sigh.

As the priest talks about life and death, happiness and pain and what not I try to focus on not crying. My whole body is trying to fight the urge to scream and run away and never look back. When my legs automatically walk to the dark casket that holds Jughead's stiff, cold and perfect body I look straight forward. Trying to focus on not falling to the floor and staying there. I put the black rose on the casket.
"I miss you so much, Jug." My other hand grasps his beanie. "I forgive you. I forgive you for not shaving your chest, for not buying another stuoid beanie but I will never ever forgive you for leaving me." I quickly wipe away the tear.
"Please do." He whisper. I turn around faster than I ever have. "Please forgive me Betty."
"Juggie?" His raven hair shimmer in the sunlight that shines through the church windows. His green eyes looks right into my soul and his lips smile a subtle yet obvious smirk.
"Yes, love." He says. And for the first time I smile a real smile.

"Betty?" Veronica says and I can hear her walking closer to me. Please don't scare him away. Please just stay where you are.
"Don't go." I whisper.
"Betty." Veronica puts her hand on my shoulder.
"Stop." I whisper to her. Jughead looks me in the eyes and then at Veronica.
"I have to go." His voice sounds happy but his face looks sad. I shake my head.
"Please don't go." I whisper to him. "Please stay."
"Okay." Veronica says as if I was speaking to her. I reach out to try and take Jug's arm so he won't leave. That's when he disappears. He just vanishes.
"No. No no no." I scream. "Come back to me." My throat already hurts. Archie runs up to the stage and take me in his arms as I try to break free. I want to run outside and try to find Jughead.

I sit on my bed. Alone and in complete darkness. Just staring outside. The wind is bending the trees as if they were bowing for someone.
"Betts." Someone whispers behind me. Jughead. I spin around.
"Hi." I say silently.
"Are you okay?" I shake my head.
"No." I whisper.
"What happened?"
"When you left I freaked and now everyone thinks I'm going crazy." I say. "Which isn't that far from the truth." He looks at me and smiles.
"I'm back now." I shake my head.
"No, Jug, you are dead." He looks at the floor and avoids looking at me.
"I know." He whispers.
"How could you leave me?" I ask him.
"I...I didn't mean to, Betty. I tried to stay awake. For you and Forsythe. But I couldn't. I was so tired. I really really wanted to keep looking at you, to wipe your tears away but I was too tired." He says. Tears starts to fall down my cheeks. "I saw my whole life flash by. Just like they say it will. I remember being so in love with you in first grade. Do you remember?" I smile.
"Yeah. You couldn't stop looking at me." He smirks.
"And you only had eyes for Archie. But I won. Didn't I? Please promise me I won." He cries.
"Yes, you won." I assure him. "I liked Archie, but I loved you. I love you." He nods. Someone knocks at the door.

"Betty, sweetie?" Cheryl says.
"Don't go." I whisper.
"I have to."
"Promise you'll come back." I demand.
"Okay." He nods and then he is gone.
"Yes." I say to Cheryl.
"Took you long enough. Can I come in?" I say that she can and she opens the door. Toni stands beside her, her mascara has been running and I want to punch her hard in the face with like a chair.
"I miss him, Betty." Toni whispers. "And I can't imagine what you are feeling."
"I want to fucking hit you in the face." I mumble.
"What?" She asks like she couldn't hear what I said. She comes closer and puts her hand on my left arm. Without being able to stop myself I slap her in the face. Her shocked face makes me laugh.
"That felt so good." I sigh in relieve.
"What the hell!? You fucking slut." She says and Cheryl walks in between us, facing towards Toni.
"That's enough."
"Last time I checked you were the slut." I smirk. "Can't believe Cheryl stayed with such a whore." Cheryl spins around and takes my hand in a hard grip.
"Betty!"
"What? I'm just saying."
"When Jughead moaned my name he forgot all about you." Toni says happily. "And as he pushed himself inside of me he kissed me softly. Begging me to hold on a little longer." I scream to try and block out what she's telling me. "His drunk breath was so warm against my cold skin and it gave me the chills." She talks louder and louder, making sure I can hear everything she says. Cheryl just stares in to my eyes. She looks more and more broken after each word Toni makes. "When he finally came he fell down beside me and breathed heavily." I scream even louder but she keeps going. "He said I was the best girl he has ever slept with." I try to drown what she is saying with my scream.

"Stop it!" I scream. FP runs inside and I now notice that I am on top of Toni.
"Jughead was also on top of me." Toni shouts. I hit her over and over again until her nose bleeds. Cheryl just stands besides us and stares at us. As FP tries to pull me off of Toni I accidentally hit him in his face and he falls backwards.
"You fucking slut." I yell.
"Then I found out I was pregnant. With his baby." Toni laugh as if she is crazy. She is. She really is. "Shut up you fucking whore." FP makes another attempt to make me stop hitting Toni but I keep going.
"Betty, stop." He stands in the corner of the room. I stop and look at him. "Please stop." He begs. I stand up and look straight in to his eyes.
"I'm sorry Jug. She...those things she said. Were they true?" I whisper.
"You don't want to know."
"Betty?" FP whispers. "Who are you talking to."
"Don't tell him I'm here. He'll think you're crazy." I turn around and FP looks at me. He should'nt look at me with those caring eyes. I have been horrible to him. Cheryl cries quietly to my right and Toni tries to sit up and spits blood.
"Come here." FP whispers and I walk closer. He smell like Jughead. I guess he is wearing his cologne. I rest my head on his shoulder.
"I never should've cheated on you Betty. I'm sorry. Please forgive me." He says desperately.
"I can't." I whisper.