I am sorry, but sometimes I just want to get out of myself.
Sometimes I just want to leave my body and left this life I know behind. To tear off my own skin and to not breath out of my lungs. Sometimes, I want to get dettached with who I am and live in the world where nobody knows me. Where I don't exist but merely a presence floating in the air. Not taking shapes, not taking form, not taking existence. Just enjoying everything without taking anything, or becoming part of something. Sometimes all I want to do is just nothing, and that nothing does not involve who I am.
Sometimes, there are moments when all I long to be is someone else. Anything else. Just anything, anything but myself.
There are times when becoming myself and living my own life is the hardest thing I could do. Simply breathing and walking become something that is so exhausting I questioned the purpose of living. I know that compared to others I have less to little reasons to be whining, but I'm tired of feeling like this everytime something happening.
I am not as strong as I wish I am, and I can't pretend that I am. Anymore.
I'm tired of the realization of myself failing to reach the sets I wish I can stand on. The shaky feeling of the ground trembling underneath, the bad side of adrenaline. The uncertainities. The uneasy feeling in my gut. The creeping fear of being aware that I'm not good enough. The feeling of isolation. I don't know what I isolate myself from. Perhaps the bright days, perhaps good future. All I know that it feels lonely. And terrible. And dark.
Strange. It feels strange.
I am not always positive, and that is the truth I've been trying to say for years. From not even realizing it to becoming scared of it. I tried to deny it because being positive is a great way of living so I tried my hardest just to stay being positive. Sometimes, I succeed. Sometimes, I didn't.
And when I didn't, I got mad.
I got mad at myself for not being positive. I got mad at myself for not being capable enough of holding my own weight. I got mad at myself for giving up in the face of pressure and life when everyone is getting through life. I got mad at myself.
It hurts, being mad at myself.
I am not always positive. This, is how I actually feel.
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For those of you who feel like it's hard getting through the day or even seconds and you don't even know why so all you could do is just dragging yourself to another day. All while keep blaming yourself.
I know.
