White Rabbit

Chapter 50: Psychosis and Valediction

JACE

"Jace!" Misa shouted, beaming over at me from her post beside me, "nice shooting!"

What's going on?

What is this?

What's happening to me?

It's like everything is flooding at me...

Suddenly, the memory fades away and they seem to fly by in a circular, fading motion as if in a reel of film, but they move further away from me as they fade.

"Good job, Son," my father clapped me on the back, "you'll be a new member of White Rabbit in no time."

A frown formed on my face as I stood there, glancing away from him as I contemplated what I wanted.

But that's not what I want...

The memory flies by and another one comes after another and another, words flying through my head rapidly along with images that belong to them.

"You don't have a real backbone," Reece snapped, his eyes fuming with anger and disgust.

"It's Clattonia Cessair," Clattonia said as she walked down the narrow streets agilely, avoiding passersby.

"I'm Aeryn Diadem," Aeryn flaunted with a smirk, "it must be an honor for you to be escorted by me. Usually I'm the one who people offer to escort."

"...Whatever it is that's troubling you, just know that you can talk to me about it anytime, no matter what it is..." Asylum said.

"...I trust your mission was successful?" my dad asked.

No...I don't...

I don't...

I don't want to lose them...

"Sorry?" Clattonia snorted, "what do you have to be sorry for? What do you care? Don't act like you're actually sorry just because you want to be nice..."

"...I want to stop running. I'm not a coward, and I refuse to just sit by and do nothing when I could be doing something..." Essence said.

"...Look after her for me, okay?" Kaden asked as he stood there, watching me intently.

"Staying here!" Valentina said as she threw an arm around Lucian's neck, smiling, but her eyes were curiously studying my soul.

"I mean, I kind of hope that it was. Is that weird?" Clattonia asked as she glanced over at me.

I refuse to lose them.

I will not lose them.

I will not lose her.

***

For all of my life, I've been regarded as talented, skilled, some would say. I was hardly ever frowned upon and most admired my abilities, but also my personality. I never really caused any trouble. I was quiet and kept to myself unless I was interested in talking to someone around me, meaning I most likely cared about them, or if I had to. I was always kind to everyone I came across and never hesitated to help anyone in need. I was expected to take up my father's role by working at White Rabbit and eventually climbing to his rank. That's not what I wanted. That's never what I wanted. That's not what I want. I'm not a pushover and it's about damn time that people realized that.

Whenever I saw Clattonia falling off of the edge, her eyes wide and imploring as they bored into mine, I felt something snap inside of me at that very moment. I've never seen her so full of sudden shock, so full of sudden surprise, and when I saw the glimpse of fear flash in her eyes, I knew that I couldn't just stand there. I knew that I had to run my ass over there and just do something. After all, I promised that I would look after her. But that isn't why I did it, despite being known for keeping my promises. No, I did it because in that very moment, I knew. I knew that she was going to die if somebody didn't do something, and I couldn't let that happen. I wasn't sure what throwing myself into the chasm with her would help, but I knew that I at least couldn't let her be alone. I wasn't going to let that happen to her.

And maybe it's because I love her. Hell, I even told her that I love her. But, I figured I was going to die, so why not tell her the truth? The worst that could happen is her rejecting me in a matter of five seconds before I crash to my death. At least she would know. So, I figured, why the hell not? But, ultimately, perhaps it would put her in more pain if she knew and lost me anyway. But, I know she'd be even angrier, even more hurt, if I had died and hadn't told her. So, I told her. Evidently, I have no idea where I am now or what's happening to me, but I don't feel dead. I feel...different...though. I guess that's to be expected when you smash your skull off of the rock hard ground at accelerating speeds. Who would've thought.

And maybe, just maybe, whatever's happening to me will allow me to see her again. At least, I hope it will...I remember opening my eyes and looking at Clattonia's distraught face as she leaned over me with Juniper and Reece off to the side, and everything seemed like it was shifting back and forth -- a type of spinning motion that wasn't quite spinning, if that makes any sense. I remember her calling out to me and I remember saying her name before everything went black again.

A sudden urge to cough fills my lungs and spreads up my throat in an almost burning sensation as my chest feels warmer than usual, as if my heart is a flame that's heating up my chest, and an anxiety begins to fill me and well up in my body like lead and water as I desperately want to get back to them, to her. I just...I need to make sure they're okay...that she's okay...because if she's not okay, then I really would be dead.