summer with my priest

liar liar pants on fire

I tried to sing this time. For real. My voice is high pitched anyways so I guess I should put at least the smallest amount of effort. Choir is the same as always. Tommy's the best singer and everyone else sings along side him. They're still all better than me, for sure.

My voice crack threw off the angelic-like music soaring throughout the church. The rest of the boys kept on singing, but each of them shared an annoyed glance towards me. Father Benjamin looked straight at me. His slightly disturbed look and the lowkey judgement from the other kids signalled me to shut the fuck up. Because faking it is better than ruining the music, right?

I gulped in embarrassment and went back to lip synching. This is never going to work. I never chose to be a choir boy anyways. It's not really fun either. Maybe I do it because I want my parents to love me and I want everyone else to accept me even when I tend to push them away. I'm not sure why i'm like this. It's a Gavin thing, I suppose.

When singing was over, everyone turned to their friends and gave each other smiles with low giggling. They seem to enjoy this a lot more than me.

Father Benjamin claps and commented on each individual except me. "That was very good, Zachey! And Sam, you're getting a lot better. Arthur, keep it up buddy. Blah blah blah..."

The choir boys run to him and jump around like excited idiots. Tommy finds his way to Father Benjamin's view and the priest gives him a high five. "Totally killed it once again, Tommy! Wouldn't expect any less from you."

AHHH!! No!

I clench my fist and deadly eye the back of Tommy's dumb head as Father Benjamin softly strokes his right cheek with the back of his hand.

Never. In my fucking life. Have I ever been this angry. And I can go insane, worse than Spike sometimes. Don't touch him!! No! This isn't right! Daddy Ben is all mine! Talk to him, laugh with him, make him proud. But don't you dare fucking TOUCH MY MAN.

"Gavin, are you... okay?" River, one of the choir boys and the altar boy, asks me in out of nowhere. I fake a smile and walk away from him. I don't want social contact right now. I don't need him to worry.

My feet are digging into the floor and my palms go sweaty. I don't like this at all. I know i'm overreacting. But my stubborn self is refusing to accept that this is just how the world works. A restroom... I have to find the restroom quick! I don't need this right now.

I lock myself in a stall and cover the toilet seat with toilet paper before sitting on it (because I was raised right). I don't bother lifting my choir dress because that's the least of my worries right now. I crouching down and hug my knees, biting my arm so hard that I feel myself bleeding just a little.

My emotions can't be controlled very easily. This time, I can't stop myself from crying. I don't sob so much like Tommy because i'm no wimp. Only a few tears before walking out of the stall and looking myself in the mirror.

For a lil' kid, my under eye circles are pretty heavy. I don't think I can sleep anymore. Not after having so much to think about. My hands reach for the cold water knob on the public sink and I turn it slightly. I end up washing my face before drying it with a paper towel and walking back out.

I hope no one knows that I was crying. Anyone that knows me knows that i'm not the type to cry over every little thing. But I do... I do sometimes. Especially when it's something I really care about. I don't express that side of me to people because I don't feel comfortable showing it. The thing i'm trying to avoid is people saying shit like "Oh my god look! Gavin really does have a heart!"

I walk back to the others. Everyone else is talking with their friends in different groups. I'm by myself again. I may have lied when I said I had a few friends. I'm better off without.